


Can you Hear me?

by 500daysofvic



Series: Can you hear me? [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: ASL, American Sign Language, College AU, Deaf Alexander, Deaf Character, Everyone knows ASL, F/F, F/M, Hamilton - Freeform, Henry Laurens is Okay, John is an Interpreting Major, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Sign Language, deaf event, deaf hamilton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-09-25 02:05:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 29,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9797603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/500daysofvic/pseuds/500daysofvic
Summary: Alex lives in a world of silence but has so much to say, John lives in a world of sound that he wishes would just be quiet.A look into the life of A Deaf teen forced to speak around his Hearing parents and how it affects the day to day struggle of making your own identity.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As an Interpreting Major, these are things I've learned from being in the Deaf community.

Chapter 1-

John had spent the years of high school combing through colleges, majors, and future career paths while his friends got to go to parties and go drinking but he didn't have time to waste. Eventually he'd decided on Interpreting his sophomore year of high school. Sign Language was always something John loved, It was such an expressive and beautiful language. He had taken a few classes in middle school when the new deaf girl, Martha Manning started in his English class. But his sophomore year he instantly threw himself into ASL classes and visiting the colleges that offered it as a major. Through it all his father, Henry was supportive. From driving him to class, paying for the classes, and helping him apply to colleges. 

The one bad thing about taking ASL classes; Deaf Events. Deaf events are usually set up by deaf people in the community where hearing students and deaf people can meet up, sign with each other, and form friendships. Deaf events were the worst for John because social anxiety is a bitch and he can't sign with anyone without his hands shaking wildly and him forgetting everything he's learned; but deaf events are grades and he is not gonna fail ASL 4 because he couldn't make it through one deaf event without having a panic attack; opting for the summer class hoping that there was less students seems to have blown up in his face though. 

 

So here we are- John sitting in a Starbucks in June that is chock full of people signing to each other, while the misguided other patrons who just wanted a cup of coffee try and squeeze through the crowds to the front counter. John took a smaller table in the back of the dining area of the Starbucks by himself and sipped his coffee just watching everyone else interact and signing together. 

Suddenly someone is tapping his shoulder. When he looks up he sees the, quite possibly, cutest man he's ever seen. He has slick black hair pulled back into a messy bun with a pen just stuck in there, smooth caramel skin, and these eyes that though they are brown have a dark fire behind them, he has little facial hair, but it truly just adds to the adorable-ness of his face. 

John realizes he completely missed what he signed 

_"Sorry, missed your sign repeat?"_ John signed, cursing himself for his hands shaking again. The man just laughed softly and signed _"fine- can sit there?"_ Pointing to the chair next to John. John just smiles and nods, pulling the chair out for him and starts signing again _"your name what?"_  
_"A-L-E-X"_ Alex finishes fingerspelling his name and smiles before asking  
_"You sit alone- why?"_  
_"Don't know- not good meet new people. deaf you? Or hearing student?"_  
Alex just chuckles watching John sign and replies _"deaf, I come make friends- leave. Fun you know? You hearing? come why?"_  
_"Grade for ASL class. But want meet new people, start college soon- C-O-L-U-M-B-I-A"_ at this Alex breaks into an excited toothy grin, and shows John the sign for Columbia- Tapping a C and U on your forehead _"you start CU? I start CU- Fall start, you same?"_ John just nods enthusiastically. 

Four hours later John and Alex still are talking when a very annoyed barista walks up "we closed ten minutes ago you guys have to leave.." john just nodded and signed it to Alex standing. _"Wait- don't want to end. Give you my number"_ Alex signs to john grabbing a napkin off of the table and the pen from his hair then writes his number down handing it to john. John just smiles and signs _"I text you, maybe see each other at CU?"_ Alex just nods and waves as he runs to the car flashing their high beams at Alex. 

\-----------------------—

Summer was all but gone and John was all but packed to move into the dorms. He'd opted to move in by himself so his father could stay home with Martha and Henry Jr. and he wouldn't have to worry trying to move in with two little siblings running around. 

Walking up to the dorm building felt like a weight was lifted off johns chest and the chains had been finally unlocked. This is all john waited for since middle school, freedom. "Can I help you?" An Asian girl with long black hair broke him out of his train of thought, her shirt read "STAFF" in thick black letters "uh yeah.. I need my room number and key" he replies, flashing a toothy grin.  
"Sure give me your ID and I'll get it." She takes his ID and begins typing in the computer, after a minute she perks up smiling brightly "oh! You're Alexander's roommate! So you know-"  
"ASL? Yeah.. is he deaf? I think we've met before actually"  
"Well that's good! Here's your key, and the room number. I'm Eliza, by the way. Me, Alex and our friends are going out later you should come!"  
"O-oh.. uh..? Thank you.. I'll let you know?" John smiles softly and heads up the stairs smiling to himself. As he approaches his dorm, 110 he could hear yelling. While there's clear yelling, he hears someone talking quieter, but not really saying anything. He froze in front of the door. Should he go in? Maybe he should come back? Is this even his room? It was definitely his room.. john just sighs and walks in 

The minute the door clicked open the screaming stopped. One side of the room there was a few open boxes and Alex facing the wall pulling things out of the box. An older man stepped in his line of vision and smiled "hi, you must be Alex's roommate, in his foster father, James" the older man stuck his hand out for john to shake. He eyed it suspiciously, but shook it anyway- his father didn't raise him to be disrespectful. The older man turned away and shoved Alex's shoulder forcing him to turn around "Alexander, don't be rude! Say hello!" Although he's looking down john can see Alex's face is a deep crimson shade of shame. "Ith -Ice to mee- you" Alex's syntax and speech pattern is broken, john has learned it comes with not speaking a lot and not taking Speech therapy to learn how to speak properly being deaf. James rolls his eyes and sighs, the sigh is laced with aggression, he turns to Alexander and says through his teeth "god damn it Alexander do not embarrass me in front of your roommate" Alex looks like he has no fucking idea what's going on here but just nods knowing that's what his father wants. James just nods back and continues to unpack a box, his back to john. John looks at Alex and discreetly signs _"you okay? Though you don't speak?"_ Alex's eyes shift from James and back to John simply signing _"not now"_ and turning to put things away from a box. 

About an hour later, James is getting ready to leave "John it was a pleasure to meet you, Alexander.. take care of yourself"  
Alex just nods, but James sighs "words Alexander WORDS."  
Alex turns red again wringing his hands in each other "than- you fo- elping me. Dee you aroun-" his syntax breaks again, Johns heart broke the first time Alex had to speak, it shattered the second time. "You're getting better at speaking Alexander. Maybe someday you'll be able to actually talk like everyone else" James nods again and walks out closing the door behind him. Alexander doesn't even look at John, he just turns towards his bed, takes his hearing aids out and lays facedown on his bed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A party; first drink; a confession; a denial.

Chapter 2 

 

About two hours later John is being shaken awake, he bolts up quickly rubbing his eyes, Eliza is standing there and Alex is behind her brushing his teeth

"I didn't mean to scare you! But i invited you out and were just gonna go hang at my house but I would've felt bad if I didn't wake you and tell you we were getting ready to leave.. so you still want to come?" She smiles brightly finishing her ramble quickly. John rubs his eyes again and just nods

"yeah.. no yeah I'll still go, thanks for waking me.." he gets up and stretches, when his shirt comes up a little Eliza catches Alex staring intently. She covers a giggle with a cough and instantly Alex's face is red as he looks down to finish brushing his teeth. John just shrugs and strips his shirt off digging through his bag of clothes he still hasn't unpacked Eliza turns to Alex and signs _"you like him?"_  
His eyes go wide and signs back quickly _"shut up! He's straight like board"_ Eliza rolls her eyes and rests a hand on her hip shooting him a look. John pulls on an olive green shirt then a nice grey cardigan, 'it really brings out his eyes' Alex thinks watching john fondly. The vibrations from Eliza's stomping brings him back to reality he looks up and she signs _"ready?"_ Both just nod and follow her out 

When John was invited out today, he didn't imagine this. First: Eliza's house was fucking huge. Like- a mansion. John never used that word to describe a house before, but FUCK if this wasn't a mansion, he'd never see one. 

Second: there was a shit ton of people flowing in and out from the house. Loud music, a sea of red cups following. John can instantly feel his heart beating faster as they walked in towards the kitchen; parties weren't his strong suit. Alex tapped his arm softly and signed _"you okay? Don't like parties?"_  
_"not fan of a lot of people"_ john shrugs trying to shrug the whole situation off  
_"Maybe drink will make you feel better?"_ Alex signs one handedly while he hands him a red cup that smells strongly of alcohol, then takes a cup of his own downing it quickly.. John had actually never had alcohol, he'd always been too focused on school to go out and drink? He just shrugged and thought 'when in Rome' and threw back the entire cup quickly. Instantly the bitter, negative taste in his mouth made him want to puke it right back up, but a few seconds passed and he regained himself, instantly feeling warm and buzzy, like his brain was vibrating. 

A few hours and a few cups later, John was drunk as fuck. He was sitting on a couch in Eliza's kitchen, (how did this end up in the kitchen? Is it from ikea? It feels like it's from ikea. John thought) his head in Eliza's lap as she pulled apart his curls. Suddenly his hands are on the sides of Eliza's face and he pulls her close, his breath smells like peaches and vodka as he speaks "eeeeeeeeeeeeliza, i neeeeeeeeeed to tell you something"  
Eliza smiles, she was never much of a drinker, but seeing all of her friends drunk was some of her favorite things. 

"Okay J, tell me."  
"Are we friends?"  
"Yes John, I think we're friends."  
"Best friends?. I've never had a best friend."  
Eliza stops and thinks for a second, she's never really had a Bestfriend. If her sisters didn't count she'd never had a Bestfriend either. 

"You know I think we are best friends.."  
"OKAY GOOD THEN AS YOUR BEST FRIEND! IM GONNA TELL YOU-" he starts laughing uncontrollably "I'm gonna tell you- i think I'm gay.. nah I'm definitely gay. God.. I'm so gay.. so gay for Alex too.. since we met this summer" he's laughing again as he drops his hands from Eliza's face. Her eyes go wide as she grabs his face and turns his head so he's looking at her 

"John how many people have you told that?"  
He's laughing again and throws his hands up dramatically "duuuuuuuuude i haven't even told myself that!" 

Before Eliza can say anything else Alex is pulling John off her lap and towards where everyone else is dancing. Alex let's go of his hands and signs _"want dance?"_ To which John looks at him like he's crazy and signs _"how?"_ Alex just smiles and takes his hand softly placing it on the speaker next to them. John instantly feels heavy vibrations along with the song and when he looks up Alex is dancing in place, smiling and laughing; carefree like no one in the world can see him, and john feels himself starting to fall in love. 

A few songs later Alex looks up questioningly, the vibrations have seemed to stop.  
_"Why vibration stop?"_ he signs  
John smiles and signs back _"slow song now, less vibrations."_  
Alex sighs and turns to sit down but john grabs his hand and pulls him back, signing _"no"_

Now resting the other hand on his waist, and holding his other hand they just rock back and forth for the entire song, john smiling like an idiot

\-------------------------—

The next afternoon, John wakes up in a bed that is definitely NOT the issued twin bed of his dorm. He also realizes he thinks his brain is trying to hammer itself out of his skull. He stretches softly and brushes up against something? Some one? He looks over and sees a flop of brown hair asleep next to him, realizing it's Alexander john instantly scrambles out of the bed landing with a thud on the floor. He winces, hoping Alex won't wake up; then remembering Alex is deaf and sighs full of relief. He pulls on a hoodie flung on the floor and walks downstairs to the kitchen.

 

"Well good morning sleepy head!" Eliza says standing up from her seat at the kitchen island. John winces at the bright light flooding the kitchen and Eliza's high pitched voice.  
In a lower tone Eliza realizes her mistake "oh- I completely forget that people drink some time.." she hands him a cup of coffee and a bottle of Aleve "this should make you feel better.." 

She sits him down next to her at the island 

"So let me introduce you to my - actually our friends! These are my sisters, Angelica," she points to a tall darker skinned girl with curly hair down her back, in a pink sundress

"Peggy" a Carmel skinned girl with short bouncy curls, in a yellow T shirt and jean shorts 

"That's herc, and laf- they're together." One was a darker skinned big ole bulky dude with short curly hair and a thick American flag bandana, while the other was a tall light skinned angel tbh with a bundle of curls brought into a tight and high ponytail 

Laf was the first to speak, his words cloaked in a thick French accent "ah! John! The one Alexander will not-? How you say? Be quiet about! Any ami of Alex or Eliza is un ami por moi!" 

Herc was next, he leaned close to john and stage whispered "Laf actually knows how to speak perfect English, but has a flair for the dramatic- be prepared to learn French if you stick around". To this john just laughed softly, the feeling of welcome just radiated off of the group. John could get used to this. 

Before his train of happy thoughts could get too far from the station Peggy broke his thoughts "soooo...... john- did you and Alex, yenno?" She said wiggling her eyebrows 

John feels his face heating up "no? I'm like as straight as a fucking board" he says trying to laugh it off 

"But you're in your boxers and Alex's jacket? And Eliza said last nig-" before she can finish a swift kick is landed to her shin under the table. John looks to Eliza then back to Peggy and before anyone can say anything he's bolting upstairs. 

"Way to go Peggy, what the fuck?" Angelica asks  
"I didn't know it was a big deal!!" Peggy retorts. Laf rests a hand on her arm softly "listen, Peggy we are all proud of you for being out, and happy. But not everyone is ready, and our john hasn't even admitted to himself yet so just give hi-" 

"I'm not fucking gay. I was drunk and I wanted to make friends. I'm. Not. Gay." John says standing in the doorway of the kitchen, back in his own clothes now. Before anyone can say anything he turns and stomps out of the house slamming the front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> figured out the italics (thank you Star)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rude; a lesson in equity; lunch; hang; gay af.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: I took Maria's name out completely. 

Ch 3 

John is laying in bed staring at the ceiling of his dorm when he hears the door open and close, but he doesn't look over. 

He hears Alex stomping, but doesn't look over. John closes his eyes trying to block Alex out, but it doesn't last long as he feels Alex tapping his arm. John opens one eye and signs _what?_  
_"You ignore me why? Eliza same. What happen?"_  
_"nothing happen, got drunk last night now feel bad, whatever"_  
_"Eliza said something happen. What happen?"_

John just frustratingly sighs and turns over, away from Alex. Alex groans and pulls john back over by his shoulder _"John don't ignore me i want help you!"_  
_"just want to sleep. Leave me alone."_ john sees Alex's face flash a hurt expression but he didn't care at this moment, just turned over and fell asleep. 

Alex didn't know what else to do, so he went back to Eliza's. He walks in to find Eliza still cleaning up from yesterday with Angelica, while Peggy is hanging upside down off the couch. Alex knocks on the wall to get Eliza's attention, when her head snaps up she smiles brightly and drops her broom _"Alex! Why here again?"_ Alex shrugs softly  
_"john mad at me, ignoring me! don't know why. Something happen at party?"_ Alex looked so sad, he hated being ignored, it's hard to want to be heard so bad, but so easily ignored.  
Eliza looks at Angelica and she shrugs, but covers her mouth and Eliza is nodding like she's agreeing with something? Alex smacks her hand away softly signing _"don't do that, rude. If want say something you don't want me know, tell me, excuse yourself. Don't use my disability against me."_ Angelica just sighs and starts signing  
_sorry, but hard thing to talk about? Yesterday at the party, John drunk- told Eliza he was gay. Fast forward- this morning SOMEONE"_ she shoots a glare at Peggy who just shrugs _"brought up him being gay- he become mad, angry. Says he's not gay, very straight- he storms out, now he ignoring Eliza's texts/calls"_

Alex just sighs and sits back on the couch.  
_So... we do what?"_ Angelica shrugs softly, but now it's Peggy, who is now sitting upright, who answers _"we leave him alone? John not ready to be out, or maybe not gay at all. But most drunks tell the truth..anyway- when john is ready, we be here.."_ everyone just nods. 

Angelica stands from the couch _"let's go get dinner, Korean food? Invite john. We need to talk."_

\--------------------— 

Twenty minutes later John walks into a questionable Korean restaurant, looking for his friends. Instantly he sees Eliza's white as fuck hand waving in the air, he smiles and sits next to Alex, who is just looking down pushing his rice ball around quietly. John nudges him and signs _"what's up? Quiet why?"_ Alex just shrugs and goes back to his riceball. John looks up to the sisters "what's going on? Why is Alex not talking to me?" Angelica rolls her eyes and crosses her arms "you hurt his feelings, asshole. You ignored him. do you know how disrespectful that shit is?" Johns jaw drops, he should know that! What the fuck? He spent two semesters studying deaf culture and the ins and outs of respecting everyone in the community? But did the worst thing!? John taps Alex's shoulder again and when he looks up starts signing _Alex- im sorry. Completely forgot. Was mad, didn't want to talk- should've told you instead of ignoring. Please don't be sad."_ Alex just shrugs again _"fine. Would be better if you just told me what wrong"_  
John just sighs and signs _"just... confused right now- don't know what to do"_ Alex nods and pats his back softly  
_"well when you not confused and make a decision, we be here- we support. No matter what."_ John smiles brightly and pulls Alex into a hug. Eliza, Angelica, and Peggy all smile and chorus an "AWWW" while banging on the table, john and Alex just laugh as their food comes out. 

\----------------— 

John has had this internal battle since he was in middle school. Being from a small town in South Carolina, boys liking boys was so foreign. 

John didn't like boys though, girls were pretty and soft and sweet. 

But so was Alexander. And Alexander was smart, funny, gorgeous, and soft and pretty. 

Wait what? Not the last two. Yeah the last two. John never felt these things about a girl. It was always boys. 

In 6th grade it was his science partner, Daniel. 

11th grade it was Tatum, the quarterback for the football team who John tutored for the SAT. 

FUCK was John gay? Yeah, john agreed to himself. He was probably gay. What would his friends say? Wait. The majority of his friends were gay. What would Alexander say? Well now is a better time than ever to tell them. 

\---------------------— 

Everyone was sitting in John and Alex's dorm, facing the tv. Herc and Laf were cuddling on Alex's bed, peg, Angie and Eliza were laying on top of each other on the floor, and Alex was leaning onto johns side as they sat on his bed. 

Out of nowhere John blurts "I think im gay." 

Everyone is looking at him with stunned looks on their face, john is starting to shake which makes Alex shift so his head is in johns lap and he's looking up at john now _"shaking why?"_ Alex asks pointing to johns hands that are shaking in his lap. Laf comes and sits next to john rubbing his back "that was very brave of you mon ami.. were proud of you" Alex sits up now _"what's going on? Why is no one signing?"_  
Eliza replies _"John just told us he is gay, Laf said we are proud of him"_ alexanders face softens and he rubs johns arm smiling, then signs _"welcome to the club"_  
John signs back _"you gay same?"_  
_"not gay, bi. My girlfriend would not appreciate me being gay"_ he adds laughing. John could feel his heart crumble at the mention of a girlfriend. A girlfriend? Alex never mentioned a girlfriend? He looked to Eliza but she looked as stunned as john.  
_"what girlfriend?"_ Angelica signed, everyone looking shocked.  
Alex shrugged nonchalantly _"B-E-T-H-AN-Y"_ at this everyone groaned loudly, Peggy dramatically throwing herself back onto the floor. 

_"What!?"_ Alex signed crossing his arms. 

As herc spoke, Eliza signed for him "dude, you and Beth have been on and off fucking for a year, and each time one of you makes it official she cheats on you! This is the third time! I give it 6 days, not even a full week." 

Alex starts rapid fire signing, and john is interpreting for herc "Alex says shut the fuck up, she's different this time, it's already been 4 days and they're great together." 

Herc just rolls his eyes "like the time she gave you the clap?"  
"I AM NOT SIGNING THAT!" Eliza screams turning red at the mention of an STD, instead Peggy is the one who is laughing and fingerspelling _T-H-E C-L-A-P_  
Alex instantly turns beet red and storms out, slamming the door. 

"Well that was pretty stupid, this IS his dorm" herc mumbles making Laf laugh uncontrollably.  
"Dude that was pretty fucked up to bring up" john adds as Angie and Eliza nod along.  
"Says the gay virgin?" Herc rolls his eyes getting up.  
"WAIT is that supposed to offend me? You're really using my fresh found sexuality and sexual status as an insult? That's rich coming from you? How many people outside of this room know who Laf is to you? Fucking relax on the pseudo-jock stigma" john says standing up to follow Alex, before he gets far herc shoves him, and he falls smacking his face against the nightstand. Instantly Laf and Eliza are in between them  
"Hercules what the fuck!?" Eliza says pushing him back. "Fuck FUCK FUCK john im SO sorry! FUCK i JUST- i didn't mean it I'm sorry I was just mad I didn't mean to hurt you-" Hercules is rambling on now John just gets up holding his nose and eye trying to ignore the throbbing pain "dude it's fine we both took it too far, we cool?" John says holding out his hand, herc just smiles and pulls him into a bear hug. 

After getting ice for his nose and eye, john went to find Alex. He knew where he'd be, it was his favorite place on campus was the duck pond. The sun was just starting to set as he sees Alex throwing bread into the water for a green headed duck. John sits next to him softly tapping the ground between them so Alex knew someone else was with him. Alex didn't even look at john while signing _"she's not a whore or anything? Stuff just happens. A part of growing up."_  
John looks at him like he's crazy and taps him so Alex will focus on him _"growing up does not include getting the clap, from what I hear about her you can do so much better"_  
Alex just sighs  
_"no one loves the disabled kid."_  
Johns jaw dropped at this and instantly pulled Alex so he was fully facing john now _"watch my hands- everyone. Has. Someone. Disabled, stupid, rich or poor, everyone deserves love. Especially you"_  
Alex's eyes are glassy and he nods softly. 

John sighs _"besides, I already know someone who loves you more than her."_  
_"who?"_ Alex asked quirking his face softly at the idea of someone loving him? An odd concept. 

_"Me"_ John signs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still not sure where I'm going with this? But I like where it's headed and I have a few things to touch on. Kudos/comments v much appreciated


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ALMOST; the library; angry; the implant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, a chapter I'm happy with.

Ch 4- 

Alex just stared at him for a few moments, before finally answering, _"you?"_. John just nods at this, then buries his face in his hands, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palm before looking up again, _"sorry, stupid thing i said. I just..."_ , John shrugs not knowing what he's trying to say, FUCK. Will he ever get this shit right? 

_"first day we meet- butterflies in my stomach, you different from everyone else. Important to me- smart, cute, funny just.."_

John sighs again, his brain moving too fast for his hands to keep up. This time Alexander starts signing _"me deaf, doesn't bother?"_ when he finishes he clasps his hands together wringing them nervously. John reaches down and pulls his hands apart softly then signs _"if it bother me, still here why? Come find you why? Be your friend why?. You can never bother me."_ suddenly john realized how close him and Alexander have gotten, johns hands almost touching Alex's chest as he signs. 

Suddenly Alex jumps back pulling his vibrating phone out of his pocket, he studies the screen a few minutes before typing back and shrugging shoving it back in his pocket 

_"who text you?"_ john asks his eyebrows furrowing 

_"B-E-T-H, single now- long distance too hard for her"_ he signs shrugging, as if he expected it. 

_"you hurt not?"_

John realizes how close Alexander is to him again, Alex is leaning in softly; their noses are almost touching- john has been waiting for this kiss since summer, he can smell the mint radiating from Alex's mo- 

"HEY YOU FUCKS WEVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU!" 

Suddenly there is a bright light flashing on and off in johns eyes, Alex jumps back instantly standing and john let's out an audible groan 

The entire group is standing in front of them Eliza signs and speaks at the same time "I'm sorry did we interrupt something?" Causing the rest of the group to bust out in giggles, Alex's face is beat red _"John was adjusting my hearing-aid for me"_ he signs laughing at the end, oh god that laugh. It lit a thousand fires in johns heart. Something people don't understand is hearing people control their laughs, not too loud, not too obnoxious, but deaf people just let it rip, unfiltered, and Alexanders was his favorite.   
It started as a simple "Haha" but quickly escalated to loud obnoxious giggling almost. He couldn't explain it, or how happy it made his ears. 

He's soon broken out of his deep thought by Alexander tapping him _"earth to john? Come on we're going back to the dorm"_. John just followed silently along, feeling the stupid grin fill his cheeks. 

\---------------—

Since that night things have been... weird between John and Alex. The next day, Alex was really distant. Maybe john shouldn't have tried to kiss him? No that was neutral. Alex wanted that too, right? John just shrugged and went to class 

\-------------------—

Three days after the incident, as john has aptly named it; Alex was full on ignoring john now. Actually, full on ignoring the entire group. John had enough of it, and decided to go find Alex. 

We all know where he was- the Library. 

The library was spilt into four floors, the first floor for talking, second was whispers, and the final two floors were silent floors, so he'd probably start there? Whatever. 

when John stepped off the elevator of the fourth floor he sees Alexander in between the rows of books lounging on a couch the school supplied to get students out of their dorms. John stormed up and pushed Alex's legs down and sat in front of him _"avoiding everyone, why? Eliza text, no answer. I text, no answer. You come to dorm late, leave early. Why? I do something?"_.   
John can feel the anger bubbling in his chest; instantly he starts taking deeper breathes trying to calm down. John has anger issues he's been working through since he was little. John liked to fight, first and foremost. His first time being sent home was kindergarten when he punched Martin Gillespie in the face over who's turn it was to go down the slide, And a subsequent amount of fights and referrals and detentions after that. Finally around the 10th grade Henry decided maybe therapy would be best, but that was just breathing exercises and group to talk about why they were angry. God, john hated it and this fucking breathing bullshit was NOT working. Fuck. 

_"just don't want communication right now"_ Alexander signed then went back to reading his book. John huffed, getting angrier by the second, he snatched the book and threw it down the isle of books in front of them _"cant pick and choose when you want communication. Not fair to everyone else"_ john was seething at this point, anger pouring from every aspect of him. Alex just looks at him like he has 8 heads _"Your Problem what? Acting crazy. Why?"_ John could feel himself ready to explode like a volcano; wild, uncontrollable, and hurting everyone in its wake. He stands, looks Alexander right in the face, and without signing says "I'm not fucking crazy. Go fuck yourself." And storms out. Alex sits there a minute stunned. What just happened? Why was john instantly so angry with him? He's allowed to want privacy. He gets up and follows him, running to catch up and tap him, at first john shrugs him off and ignores him. Alex huffs still following him and pulls his arm back softly, john pulls his arm back again "stop Alexander." He says turning again and walking down the stairs. 

Alexander is angry, still not as angry as John, he feels tears brimming his eyes. Fuck he hated being a frustration cryer god damn it. Before John got too far alexander only knew one way to get his attention 

"John Stop" Alexander said, louder than he had to in the silent floor of the library but, you know, He can't really control it. Johns head instantly snaps up from the floor and locks eyes with Alexander's. He can see the frustration and embarrassment in Alex's eyes _"please talk to me, I'm sorry. Not crazy, I know."_ John visibly softens and nods _"we go back to dorm. It's fine."_

Once they made it back to the dorm, john sat on Alex's bed and Alex sat next to him 

_"what happen at the library? Why so angry?"_ Alexander asks concern shadowing his face 

John sighs softly _"have IED, Intermittent explosive disorder. Become really mad, easy. Try not to explode, too hard sometimes"_ John is wringing his hands softly afterwards waiting for a response from Alexander. He looks like he is pondering for a second, then answers _"like... the Incredible Hulk disease? Okay. I be your black widow. Keep you calm"_ when he finishes he's laughing again, and john can't help but grin so wide, like his face could break in half. 

_"i tell you what's wrong, now you tell me. Ignoring everyone, why?"_ john asks, resting his hand on Alex's knee when he finishes. Alex sighs softly _"me and parents, all of us fighting. Want to come visit, make appointment for implant me. But don't want. Like being independent deaf person. Fine, not bad living deaf. Implant hurt, implant take away my deaf identity, all I know."_ when he stops signing john sees a tear roll down his cheek quietly. This breaks johns heart into a million pieces, he wipes the tear away softly and pulls Alexander close, just holding him. His back is to johns chest, so he can still see johns hands as he signs _"no worry. I won't let them hurt you, If don't want implant, don't have implant"_ at this Alex just curls up against johns chest, wrapping his arms around his midsection tightly, john just sighs and rubs circles into his back until they both fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo yo yo getting into some serious hearing/deaf issues? Cochlear Implants to me aren't cool, they take away the possibility of deaf identity and I stand against forcing your deaf children to get them, and that's the point I'm gonna tell the story from, Alex's foster parents being dicks.


	5. chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DUCKS; Parents; fighting; IED; fluff

Ch 5 

Not three days later, Alex's foster parents were in town. The stress was radiating off Alex in waves whenever he was in the dorm, but his parents mostly kept him busy. The fourth day John decided Alex needed a day out, so he rounded up the gang and all of them went to the duck pond. He knew it would cheer Alex up; he brought along a bag of old bread from the cafe that they were just throwing away because Alexander didn't like to not feed the ducks, how could you go to someone's home without something to offer them? That was just rude. 

After about an hour of sitting out there, the ducks have seemed to begin trusting the set of friends, one duck even waddling up to Laf and sitting in his lap while Laf tried to not squeal out of excitement "I am the chosen one mon amis, bow down to me, le duck king." He said giggling quietly as Eliza interpreted for Alex he couldn't help but laugh. Soon after the other ducks seen that the one on Lafs lap was safe, they began to follow, each picking a human to crowd. 

But all good things come to an end, right? 

Suddenly John hears the angry voice of James screaming across the quad "Alexander Hamilton- Your mother and I have been searching for you all day!?" The group turns to see James charging over, Rachel in tow behind him. Alex is still blissfully unaware playing with a duck he aptly named pokey because it kept tapping its bill on johns sneaker. Before anyone can stop him James pulls Alex's head back by his hair, Alex's eyes instantly brimmed with fear and regret. "What have I told you about ignoring me boy?" James sneers at him, Alexander starts to sign but James smacks his hands down "goddamn it Alexander cut the hand bullshit and speak up like a man!" 

"Om sorr-! -Innint ear you!” The group is instantly jaws dropped. John guesses that they’ve never met James, lucky them. John can feel himself getting angry, he tries to breathe. he can’t fight an adult, he can’t get mad right now, Alex will need him when his dad is gone and John can’t be here and have an IED attack at the same time. he’s snapped back to reality by James’ yelling, he pulled Alex away but not far enough that the group couldn’t hear him. 

“and why did you miss audiologist appointment?”   
Alex mumbles his response, John can feel the tears forming in Alexander’s throat. God, it made John so fucking angry that James is making Alexander talk in fucking public. the one thing he is so scared of, fuck John can’t control his breathing anymore. he’s clenching his fists in the grass the group is sitting on trying to calm himself down when suddenly a hand on his knee grounds him, he looks up and Eliza is watching him, her hand on his knee “Breathe with me, J.” she says calmly, taking in a deep breath; john follows diligently and feels himself physically cooling down. 

“what the fuck do you mean you don’t want an implant?! isn't this what you want?! to be fucking normal?!” 

more mumbling 

“No, Alexander. this is not your ‘identity’. your ‘identity’ is fucking Puerto Rican! AMERICAN. not deaf”. 

FUCK. the way he spits the fucking word at alexander made john forget everything. all he sees was white, not like a dead white, a burning white. the hottest fire you could imagine is what john saw. a fucking IED attack. great. 

 

Eliza scrambled to grab Johns hand as he shot up and started full on running towards Alex and James; she couldn’t grab him fast enough but scrambled up too, pulling Hercules up with her, the others following “John is having an attack and you’re the only one who could contain him we need to fucking go before he hurts James or Alex!” Eliza screamed, forming more of a run on sentence in one breath running after John, Hercules trailing behind her and the rest of the group behind him. Before anyone could grab John, he shoved James to the ground and lands a solid punch to his jaw, subsequently knocking him out, as he reels back for the second punch Herc rips him off James holding his arms tightly at his side in a tight bear hug. 

John is instantly thrashing and screaming, everyone has crowded away from him as he thrashes, trying to stay out of the line of fire. Alexander just shoves through them and walks upright to John. Angelica tries to pull him back, but he just pulls his arm away from her and stands right infant of Herc, placing his hands on Johns' face, his fingers resting on his neck and his thumbs pressed to his cheeks, forcing his head still, looking into alexanders eyes. Johns pupils are blown and glassy like it's not really him; but as alexander makes him focus on his eyes, his irises slowly start appearing again, warm and hazel, they remind Alex of a fresh cup of coffee and creamer. slowly john stops thrashing, just kind of limp in Herc’s arms. Alex signs softly as Eliza interprets to Herc for him “Alex says lay him down on the grass.”

Alex sits in the grass and Herc lays John down, his head in Alex’s lap. Alex pulls his hair out of the ponytail it's been in running his fingers through Johns' hair softly. Alex is pretty sure john is passed out, he had been reading up on IED and seen that because of the crazy breathing and all the energy someone uses at once, they usually pass out for a few minutes. Rachel walks up quietly and taps Alex, he looks up at her watching as she speaks “I’m taking James back to the hotel. tomorrow we will pick you up to go to your audiologist rescheduled appointment” Alex just nods and turns his attention back to John, not really giving a fuck about James or Rachel right now. 

everyone else cautiously sits near the pair, but not too close. except for Eliza, who sat right next to alexander, softly wiping off johns face with a napkin she probably carried in her purse. 

“so is someone gonna tell us what the fuck just happened?” Peggy asked resting her hands on her hip, a sense of annoyance in her voice. Eliza turned to Alex, asking for permission if she can tell. he just shrugs and Eliza starts; 

“so… what it is, is john has this disorder, IED. think of it like.. the incredible hulk, okay? the dude is fine, chilling. then something small can set him off and he turns green, breaks shit, and calms down after a few minutes, right? basically john. just not green? then he'll pass out when he’s done because he just used so much energy at one time. and let's be honest we all wanted to punch James.”

“Oui, so… what did mon petit lion do to how you say.. un-hulk? him.” Laf asks, rubbing Hercs arm where johns nails were digging into his skin trying to squirm away. 

Peggy speaks up this time “Laf remember when we watched the Avengers, and the Black Widow got the Hulk to quit being a big green dick? she grounded him. the hulk knew Natasha's touch and that he didn’t want to hurt her. the same was with john and Alex. he grounded him.” 

Eliza was interpreting the whole interaction and Alex just smiled and looked down to john, his face was so soft and relaxed. Alex pulled his fingers through his hair one more time smiling as johns eyes fluttered open. at first, he smiled weakly back at Alex but then realized he was on the ground, in the park, and that he couldn’t remember the last 30 minutes and fuck he probably had a fucking IED attack and now all of his friends thinks he’s fucking crazy great. awesome. wow. Alex helps him sit up softly and when he sees all of his friends watching him cautiously, tears slowly streak down his cheeks. Alexanders hand is instantly at his cheek, wiping his tears and both Laf and Eliza produce tissues, both from their respective purses. instantly John is babbling and trying to sign but his hands are still shaking so bad. “please fuck please I’m so sorry I d-didn't know what to do i-i couldn’t st-stop fuck please don’t leave fuck fu-“ Alex takes his hands and rests them on his knee, rubbing them with one hand and signing with the other

_“John- follow me breathe. in-… out-… not mad, any of us. worried for you. you fine?”_

john breathes a sigh of relief, he looks at Eliza who starts signing for him 

_”fine, just. awful way he talks to you, hurt me. don’t want you to think you broken. not broken, just different. become so mad- fuck. I’m sorry.”_

instead of answering, Alex pulled him into a tight hug, everyone aww’d appreciatively, and Peggy gave them a standing ovation, making the pair laugh and it's instantly like James was never there and their day was never ruined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i typed this on a computer, and ran it through grammarly. doing adult things here. wow.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doctor; comfort; a guest!; adoption

Ch 6 

John tried to wake up early to see Alexander before his parents took him to his audiologist appointment, he really did. But when John woke up it was 9, and Alex was picked up at 8:20, he was too late. He shot a text to Alexander hoping they didn't take his phone yet 

**J <3: Alex I'm sorry I wasn't awake, you should've woke me. Stay safe, okay? I'll be here waiting for you. They won't hurt you. **

John just sighs tossing his phone back on his mattress. For the morning he keeps himself busy; he cleans up the dorm, making his bed and alexanders bed, he cleans all the old garbage out of their fridge. Around 10:30 john is becoming fidgety so Laf and Herc come over, they bring their dog, Blueskin (a pit bull puppy who is all grey, and blue icy eyes) and Joe Joes. They're all sitting on Johns bed, Blueskin sitting in johns lap as he rubs in between her ears and she just snuggles closer into his lap when Laf breaks the silence 

"mon ami how long do these appointments usually take?" John shrugs softly 

"It depends what the appointment was.. he should be home soon.. right?" He asks looking up to Herc. 

Herc knows nothing about ear doctors, or appointments with ear doctors, or any of this, but he just rubs johns back softly "of course bud, Within the half hour. Listen, me and Laf have Econ.. and we have to go but if you need anything- Eliza and Peggy's class end in 45 minutes." John just nods and the two pull him in a tight hug.   
Before Laf walks out he puts a hand on johns shoulder "i called someone to come help Alexander.. he should be here later tonight but until then john, protect mon petit lion, oui?"   
John pats lafs hand that is resting on his shoulder "of course Laf, always." 

After Laf and Herc left john must've fallen asleep again; days after attacks always were reserved for sleeping and regaining energy. He was woken by the dorm door slamming shut, jumping almost straight off his bed. He waiting a few minutes to see if Alex would walk in, but he didn't. He stomped his foot a few times to see if Alex would stomp back from the kitchen, but still no answer. John sighed and got up, maybe someone hit the door? He didn't know. 

When he reached the kitchen he seen probably the saddest sight. Alexander was sitting in front of the door, knees to his chest and hands covering his eyes, his hair was all kinds of fucked up, parted the opposite way it usually was. John stomped his foot a little softer, just so Alex knew he was there. Instead of looking up or anything Alex flung his hand, ushering john away. 

John stood there stunned a minute, until he completely disregarded Alex and kneeled in front of him, rubbing his knee supportively. 

Alexander slowly looked up at him his eyes were red and cheeks tear tracked. He was wiping his face on his sleeve and took a deep breath. John was the first one to move 

_"what happen? See my text?"_   
Alex shakes his head _"no Text. Phone had to be off for MRI. Never turned back on"_   
John gets up, pulling Alex up also, leading him to the bed, john sits cross legged with Alex's feet on his lap as he sits up against the wall.  
John asks again _"what happen? Talk to me."_

Alex holds eye contact with him for a few seconds, and suddenly tears are forming in his eyes. He looks away covering his face, but john sees his shoulders shaking from his silent sobs. John pushes his feet down and scoots closer to him wrapping his arms around him tightly, Alex turns into him burying his face into johns neck, his coffee brown curls absorbing most of the tears, john just holds him for a few minutes until his shaking stops. 

Carefully he pulls back; his face is splotchy and wet with tears, Johns heart is instantly crumbling as he laces his fingers through Alexanders softly. Alexander sighs and flips his hair over, revealing the side of his head is shaved from his ear to about 4 inches up, the area around his ear is shaved down bald, an X marking where the implant would go. Fat tears are rolling down Alexanders face as he runs his hand over the newly shaved part. 

He pulls his hands back and starts signing _"parents told me it was just a meeting to talk about implant- actually surgery prep for Wednesday."_ Alexanders hands are shaking wildly now as the tears continue to fall. John wraps his bigger hands around Alex's fists, kissing each of them. "Alex, babygirl- can you read my lips?" John asks, Alex just nods his head 

"We're not going to let them do this. I won't let them. Hulk smash, yenno?" At this, Alexander laughed, his genuine unforgiving laugh that made john beam with happiness knowing he caused it. John just smiles and releases his grip on Alex's fists, slipping both of his hands into intertwining Alex's fingers. 

Alex smiles and pulls john down onto the bed, tangling himself into john, snuggling close to his chest, he pulls one hand out and signs _"Long morning, nap with me?"_ john just smiles and pulls him closer as they both drift into a mid afternoon nap. 

A few hours later, John wakes to someone banging on the door. The dorm is pitch black, so it's after 6. Wow they slept a solid 5 hours, but john will remember it as the first good sleep he got in years, and not the last either. He slowly untangled himself from Alexander, making sure not to wake him then stumbling into the kitchen to flick the lights on, this way the actual room light wouldn't disturb Alexander. 

When he finally reaches the door he's greeted by Lafayette and a very tall, very broad, bald older man. He's very intimidating at first glance, instantly making john wildly uncomfortable. Laf just shrugs and pushes past john, pulling the older man in also. 

"Gilbert! Manners!" The older man scolds, and Laf just shrugs "sorry George, John doesn't mind though. We're best friends, I practically live here." 

The older man sighs, but then his face changes to a softer smile, a look of fondness towards the boy. He then turns to John who's still standing in the door way looking at them both like they're crazy. 

"Oh! Where are my manners, hello son. My name is George, I'm Gilberts' adoptive father and Alexanders social worker." He finishes sticking his hand out, john takes it questioningly then turns to Laf "i didn't know you were adopted Gilbert" he says laughing, as Laf shoots him a death glare.   
"I came to America with no parents or family, George and Martha are old family friends and took me in, and eventually my mother relinquished parental rights so they adopted me.." George smiles fondly at the memory. 

John felt that familiar twinge of anger in his chest, fuck. He felt himself growing angry, realizing something about George. 

"If you're Alexanders social worker where have you been? He's been getting fucking abused and neglected and you just mosey on in today? Three days before they implant him?! Social worker of the year!" 

Fuck john just stop talking! Button your fucking mouth! Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. 

"Son watch your tone with me! Someone should tea-" Lafs hand instantly flies to cover George's mouth   
"George he doesn't mean it- John is having an attack please don't say anything." 

Laf stands next to John and places a reassuring hand on Johns shoulder, the other rubbing his arm softly "mon ami, I need you to relax... when you relax, we can explain everything.. do you want me to wake Alex for you..?" Laf coos softly, his voice is surprisingly calming, the soft way he speaks mixed with his accent helps john relax, unclenching his fists. 

He takes a deep breath, then looks up at Laf "no.. no I'm good. Let him sleep he had a rough day.." he looks up at George next who face is twisted in confusion 

"I'm sorry about that, I didn't mean to disrespect you sir, my father didn't raise me to disrespect elders. I just- yeah. I don't know. I have this anger issue? Thing.." john just shrugs, as Laf takes over and explains what IED is. 

At the end of Lafs explanation George just nods "well, thank you for not hitting me son. I appreciate that. Now I should explain myself, as a social worker, when a child is placed with a family, I can't interfere until the child tells me. Gilbert can't tell me, you can't tell me, he has to. Gilbert broke some major rules telling me and bringing me here, but I can't see Alexander hurt." George ends with a type of pain in his eyes, sadness mostly. John looks at Laf, confusion crossing his face 

"Alexander was supposed to be adopted by George and Martha, but because he was the social worker on Alex's case he had extra paperwork to go through, and interviews to make sure he wasn't adopting Alexander for money from the state, and James and Rachel just finished before we could. George and Martha were learning ASL and everything." Laf explained. George just nods, sighing. 

"Well that's the past now, now we just need to focus on getting Alexander out of their 'care'." 

Suddenly, Alex appears in the doorway, elegantly disheveled. His hair is thrown all different ways, he pulled on one of johns hoodies, which is two sizes too large for him. Johns Heart swells at this, Alexander looking so thrown about in johns hoodie. It was kinda hot. Wow. John soon realized not only his heart began to swell, if you catch my drift. Fuck! John sat on a barstool in the kitchen and just crossed his legs, trying to ignore his -ahem- growing problem and burning face of embarrassment. 

Alex instantly throws himself against George, into a hug, George just laughs and hugs back smiling. Instantly Alex pulls himself away and starts signing, John interpreting from his seat in the kitchen, face still red and burning   
"Alex says what do we owe this pleasure?"   
George smiles, but it's a broken smile, a sad smile. "Alex we need to talk about James and Rachel." Alex's smile cracks into a look of sadness. Well that's a boner killer  
George continues "Alex if you don't want this they can't force you. Why didn't you call me sooner?"   
Alex begins replying so john speaks up again "he said he didn't want to bother anyone anymore. When he was put with James and Rachel you seemed so mad he didn't want to make you mad again." 

George sighs and pulls Alex in for another hug, when he lets go he begins talking again "I wasn't mad at you, I was mad at myself. Me and Martha were going to adopt you Alexander! But the foster papers went through faster than adoption papers and we couldn't do anything!" 

Alex's jaw drops at this 

"He said you were going to adopt me?"   
This time Laf replies, "oui! George and Martha were even taking ASL classes for you!" 

Alex feels the tears brimming his eyes, this whole time he could've had parents? Parents who were willing to learn and use his language? And not force him into the hearing world? Fuck he's been crying a lot lately, but these were good tears. 

John interprets for him again "Alex says please don't make him go back to James and Rachel, he doesn't want to live like this anymore, he doesn't want to be changed". George just nods "I'll file the paperwork to separate you then. You- you uh.. you could come live with us? If you'd like to.. we still have an open bedroom." George adds smiling, Alex just nods and pulls George into a hug again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a few bad days? And I feel like that reflected in my writing, so sorry if this chapter is all over the place. A lot of comfort fluff here, but fret not! Angst IS coming, and coming strong in the next chapter. Also a note- Joe Joes are Trader joe oreos. I just prefer to call them Joe Joes. Whoops. 
> 
> Also I don't know why I threw the boner thing in there? Spice it up a lil yenno.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Literally this is just complete and udder fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally have to leave my house in two hours to go to the airport to go to New York City and instead of packing I wrote this for you, it's really short but it's cute none the less

Chapter 7 

 

Monday night, two days before the scheduled surgery. 

John and Alex were sitting on johns bed, watching The Golden Girls off of Johns MacBook, Alex leaning into johns side under his arm, his arms wrapped around johns waist; johns arm is slung over alexs shoulders absentmindedly rubbing the shaved side of Alex's head, it would be cute if it had a better connotation to it.  
Alex laughs at the caption of Dorothy saying 'either to get ice cream, or commit a felony I'll decide in the car' and john just smiles brightly and gets an idea, after pulling out his phone for a quick google search he pulls Alex up and starts signing 

_"go get dressed- we go out for the night."_

Alex looks at him like he's crazy _"we do what?"_

John shakes his head _" no, surprise. Go dress, nice."_

Alex just rolls his eyes and goes to his room, after a few minutes emerging in a grey cable knit sweater and a pair of dark wash jeans, and a pair of white converse. Damn did he look good. Who can look so good in a dad sweater and pants? John was here for it. 

In Alex's mind, the same thoughts are going through his head. Damn john looks good. He's in a goldenrod colored shirt, a dark navy cardigan, a pair of light jeans that were tight in all the _right_ places and a pair of navy toms to match. His hair was down, john never wears his hair down 

_"your hair down, like it. Do more."_ Alex signs smiling brightly 

A blush creeps across johns face as his runs his hand through his hair, flopping the mass of curls to the opposite side of his head _"you don't look half bad yourself"_ john signs laughing, opening the door to the dorm _"let's go, don't want to be late"_

After about 10 minutes of walking they stop in front of a movie theater. Alex instantly turns to john with a confused expression  
_" your idea of fun is me struggling to lipread for 2 hours?"_  
John just shakes his head pulling Alex in as he sighs. 

Once they reach the ticket booth john is chatting with the ticket girl, as the girl lets her eyes roam johns body. Alex just rolls his eyes, why was he feeling so jealous? Is this a date? No way dude. This is just two bros chilling. God shut up Alex you're so stupid. What is this? Suddenly john hands Alex a black box with a screen connected to a small stand, Alex looks up at him, once again confused even more so now. 

_"its a closed caption machine. For the movie"_

Alex's eyes go wide, and he squeals excitedly.  
_"didn't know these existed! Oh my god this is amazing! I could kiss you right now!"_ Alex signs quickly. He's excitedly inspecting the machine now, he looks like a child who's just been given the best present on Christmas morning. 

But john is still stuck on the signs Alex just presented. He COULD kiss john right now, that would be fun.. 

John and Alex went to see Moana, the close caption screen clipped on the seat in front of Alex and all john could focus on is how amazed Alex was by the closed caption screen. As they were walking back to the dorm Alex couldn't stop talking  
_"i had a lot of fun tonight.. thank you for taking me to my first movie I actually enjoyed.."_

John smiled brightly at him, that silly toothy grin that makes Alex's heart flutter _"im glad I was able to take you to a movie you actually enjoyed then"_ he signs back laughing. 

After a few steps of silence, they stop in front of the dorm.  
_"what was this? Date, friend hang out? What?"_  
John rubs the back of his neck, thinking for a minute  
_"well.. I wanted to be a date. But if you don't want, friend hangout totally."_ he signs, laughing nervously. 

Alex steps closer to him smiling softly  
_" well.. you know how to end a date right?"_

John looks at him, rolls shifting to where john is very confused now. Before he has a chance to react Alex is up on his tip toes pulling john down and kissing him softly. John is taken aback at first, but leans into the kiss. Alex's lips taste like popcorn butter and cherry chapstick, in any other situation those two flavors mixed together would've been sickening, but for john right now- he was in absolute heaven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Closed captioning machines for movies are my favorite things. 
> 
> The golden girls is the best tv sitcom.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Runaway, foster parents are shit, Maria, this author loves dear Evan Hansen
> 
> TW- Mentions of suicide my dudes- stay safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back from the vacation from hell? Me!

Chapter 8 

Tuesday- the day before the surgery 

After their date, John and Alex went back to their dorm and cuddled all night, falling asleep, intwined into each other. 

But when john woke up he was cold, and alone. He sat up and looked around, seeing a note taped to the nightstand next to johns bed and Alexanders phone there too. He pulls it off softly unfolding the yellow legal pad paper he knows Alexander writes all of his notes on. 

_my dearest, john_

_I can't do this, it's literally 22 hours until my surgery and I know George hasn't gotten any farther in rescuing me from my hearing world of hell. I can't go on living with James and Rachel and being forced to speak and being the disabled boy no one loves. John, FUCK. Please remember I love you. I love you as my best friend, a brother, and even more that I can describe. I dont know my plans, do I want to die? Or just run away? I'll decide eventually. I love you-_

John is instantly panicking. He's pacing back and forth rereading the letter, tears spilling over his eyes. He's instantly up pulling his jeans then vans on, throwing a hoodie on, instantly running out. As he runs out of the main doors he immediately slams into someone, a solid built man- he soon recognizes Washington "son- what's wrong? Why are you crying?" Washington asks pulling john up who's instantly rambling, tears still falling down his cheeks, clear panic running through his eyes as he hands Washington the note. Once he's done George is just staring blankly at the letter, "George we have to go!!! GEORGE?!" John yells pulling George's eyes away from the letter. He just nods and jogs back to his car, john trailing behind. 

Hours later, the sun is gone from the sky and the city has a cold chill in the air, dropping to 40 degrees when the sun is all but gone. John thinks he's seen every street from Washington Heights to Timesquare, through Central Park, they can't find him. John says outloud to George that maybe he hopped the train or took a bus and he'll send a TTY or email when he can. But in his head all he can think about is having to identify a body, or never being contacted again. 

"Maybe we should take a break, yenno? We can go to my office, get some coffee; regroup." George finally speaks up after what seems like hours. John just nods absentmindedly staring out the passenger side window. 

As they pull up to George's office john hears George groan. When john looks up he instantly tenses as he sees James and Rachel standing in front of the sidewalk. He reaches for the door handle, anger already seething off of him; George puts a hand on his shoulder, pulling johns attention back to him "listen to me son, stay in the car and rest your head on the dashboard. Count to 100, and don't look up until I'm back in the car. I don't know how to calm you down yet, so I can't risk you going meta" this makes john chuckle, but it's a dark chuckle. He lays his forehead on the dash like instructed, the cool leather loosening his anger already. 

\--------------------

George gets out and walks over to where James and Rachel are waiting, James is tapping his foot, arms crossed; seething impatience. Rachel on the other hand, like always is just there. Never reacting, never showing emotion. "Well where the fuck is he?" James snaps. "His surgery is in-" he flicks his wrist to check his watch "10 hours and he's missing" George's head snaps up "how is that all you care about? Your son is missing- leaving only a compromising note and all you care about is implanting him!?" George roars at James, anger pouring out of him, which makes everyone uncomfortable seeing as George never even raises his voice. "that's no son of mine. I'm just in it for the benefits. Do you know how much money we get from the state for taking in a disabled kid?" James just laughs waving his hand.  
George takes a deep steadying breath, pulling out a stack of papers and throwing them at James "he's not yours anymore. I feel so idiotic thinking I'd wait to serve you papers because you may actually care that Alexander could be missing or dead, you don't care. You're both fucking monsters. Get off of my fucking porch before I have you both arrested" 

James flicks through the papers, nodding "good luck reselling damaged goods.. that kids fucked." He says as he climbs into the taxi. George wants to scream, George wants to hit him. George never wants to hit anyone. He just sighs and walks up to his car, knocking on the passenger side window. John looks up at him and George's heart breaks instantly; johns eyes are glassed over with sadness, his face is teartracked from all day of tears. He opens the door and gets out quietly as George leads him into the office building. 

\------------------------------—  
New POV 

Maria sighs as she starts walking across the GWB. Work is a bitch and she hates the diner, and closing the diner is always drunk fucks leaving the clubs at night who want to grab a bite to eat. She adjusts her backpack carrying her work uniform, she shakes her hair out of her bun letting her messy curls when she stops in her tracks. There's a guy standing on the other side of the railing on the walking path, he's looking down to the rushing water his knuckles turning white from clutching the railing "hey!" She calls out. The guy is still looking down, she drops her backpack and walks up her hands up defensively like approaching a spooked animal. The mans head snapped up to her- his face is red and blotchy, he has thick tears rolling down his face, his whole body is shaking as he shies away from her, scooting the opposite direction of her on the edge of the bridge "Hey... hey.. it's okay- I'm a friend." Maria says calmingly to him, but he just nods his head and signs with one hand _"im deaf, don't know what you say"_

"Fuck" she curses under her breath. She took ASL in highschool, all four years and had always wanted to take up more, well here's her chance. 

Shakily and slowly she signs _"i am friend. Come over. I help you"_ offering her hand to help him over 

He reaches his hand to hers but snatches it back shaking his head no _"have no Choice. Gotta go. Can't be controlled anymore.."_

Maria sighs and starts signing and mixing fingerspelling _"ok, come talk. We talk. I help you. Keep you safe. Let you d-e-c-i-d-e"_ she finishes reaching her hand out again. Alex looks at her hand then back to her, his eyes are wide and doe like his only sign being _"promise?"_ she just nods softly, then he reaches out and connects their hands softly, she grabs his elbow helping him over the railing, and once he's back on solid ground she hugs him tightly. 

When she pulls away he just sighs and picks up his backpack that sat on the ground, pulling it on, and following Maria as she walked home 

Once in her apartment, she sat Alexander at her kitchen table and sat across from him. "Can you read my lips? My names Maria." She speaks softly, eyes focusing on his so she knows he has the best chance of understanding. He nods fingerspelling her name back to her, then spelling his. focusing on her lips as she spoke, her words flowed easily; this made them easy to understand. "Okay. Do you have family I can call?" She asks, he stops and starts thinking. His mind instantly goes to George, then john. But he can't actually be wanted. For john it's always been a boost to his Interpreting classes, and for George Alex was just a boost in showing how caring he was and that he could be a good social work lawyer. Maybe they're worried sick looking for him? Maybe even George was gonna actually adopt him? He couldn't get his hopes up but Maria made it clear she wasn't letting him go alone. He just nodded and began signing George's number. 

\-------------------------—

George's phone starts ringing with an unfamiliar number invading the call. He shrugs and picks it up, john watching him curiously "hello?" He starts 

"Hi my name is Maria, is this Mr. W-... Washington?" Maria asks as Hamilton finishes fingerspelling his name 

"Yes, how can I help you?" 

"I have Alexander here, I think it be best if he goes home" 

"Is he okay? Is he hurt? What happened?" 

"He's fine, not hurt. What happened, now that I don't know? He-" she pauses and sighs softly "I was walking home and he was about to jump off the GWB? He won't tell me anything else" 

There is radio silence from the other side. Then she hears him sniff "thank you Maria. Send me your address and I'll be by to collect him" 

Before he can hang up Maria interjects "you won't hurt him right? He said something about being hurt and not making his own life choices, is that you?" 

"No I won't hurt him. John and I are the ones on his side. He's been though a lot Maria and I can promise you it's not us hurting him.." 

She nods, as if he can see her "okay.. see you soon George.." 

The minute he hangs up John is at his side "who was that?" 

George's eyes are closed, his forehead against the doorframe trying to take steady breaths. After a steady minute he looks at John and replies "it was the girl who found Alex. He was trying to kill himself. She stopped him." John instantly has tears in his eyes; not Alex, not his Alex. No. no no no. NO. That kid never hurt a fly, never quit anything. He had the disposition of a sunflower, to follow the sun. No. is he okay? Did he get hurt? is Alexander hurt that much by his parents? Does john not matter? No no. No. 

Suddenly John looks up and sees they're parked in front of a brickfront on 9th and w 48th street. He doesn't even remember getting in the car. "John..? Do you want to come in?" John nods and follows him up the steps to the door. When Maria answers she's shocked to see the two large men. 

It's not that she doesn't trust them, it's just two big dudes showing up to collect a much smaller, scared, hurt man is suspicious. She's seen abuse before, could this be another example? But the men don't over step their boundaries with her, the one curly headed man looks broken, like there's a crack in the dead center of him and he's just squeezing himself into one piece. The older bald one just smiles softly and offers his hand "I'm George. I believe we spoke on the phone." Maria smiles and nods taking his hand, "yes that was me, Maria Lewis" 

"And this is Alexanders-?? Friend. John." He offers her a warm smile but nothing else. She smiles back, saying hello. "Why don't you come in? Alex has been dozing off on my couch since I brought him here.." the minute she finishes johns head pops up expectantly waiting for her to lead them in. 

 

When they reach the living room Alex is asleep sitting up on Maria's small black couch, instantly john is next to him, slipping his hand into Alex's, lacing their fingers together. John smiles at Alexander noticing he's being swallowed in one of johns Hoodies, his football hoodie from highschool. It donned his name, Laurens 73, Carolina rattlers. Maria notices the minute their hands touch, both physically relax. Alex's face looks softer, more relaxed, Like he senses John next to him. John pulls Alex's hand to his lips, planting soft kisses on the back of his hand as he shakes Alexander to wake him, when Alex opens his eyes john begins signing one handedly _"come on baby, we go home."_ Alexander looks at him then instantly throws himself into john, pressing his face to johns chest heaving tears, his arms around john holding him tightly. John just obliges wrapping his arms around Alexander tightly, never wanting to release him. 

George and Maria are idly chatting 

"So..? Is he gonna be okay? He seems so, hurt?" Maria asks handing George a cup of coffee 

"Alexander has been through a lot. He was orphaned at 5 in the Caribbean and contracted meningitis, causing his hearing loss. The island had no ASL teachers, or really any knowledge on deaf people so they sent him to America, and I was assigned to his case. We found him a nice deaf school just outside of the city and got him back on track. But life being deaf was a hard adjustment for him, and then his foster parents were hearing and promised us that they'd be open to learning ASL for him. Well they didn't. They wanted to change him. They were gonna force him to get corrective implants and learn to live hearing. He doesn't want that- he loves his deaf identity." George finishes his rant with a sip of coffee, Maria looks dumbfounded. She knew something terrible must've happened to Alex but not like that. 

"Oh.. so who's the other guy? John was it?" She adds, trying to keep the conversation flowing. 

George just smiles fondly at the two boys tangled on the couch "John is Alexanders roommate at Columbia. They're attached at the hip. Me and a few of their friends are taking bets as to when they'll be together, I have next Tuesday around 3:30pm. That poor kid... he has IED. He turns into the fucking hulk when he's angry. Like he's already huge, 6'1", a solid 200 lbs of muscle. If he gets mad he can probably lift a fucking truck. It's crazy, and the only one who can calm him is Alexander... it's amazing to me." 

Maria smiles at the thought of 5'8" calming the raging beast that is john Laurens. "I'll give them until Friday at noon.." 

George just laughs and shakes Maria's hand, confirming the bet. 

\----------------------—

After exchanging numbers, inviting her out for drinks with the rest of the crew and finally leaving Maria's; John and Alex were tangled together in bed, John clutching Alexander tightly, planning on never letting him go. John pulls away slightly and starts signing in between their chests _"please don't ever leave me again."_

Alex smiles softly at him, but it doesn't reach his eyes _"don't feel good enough. You deserve so much better"_

John sighs and signs back _"I dont need you to sell me on reasons to want you, I don't need you to search for the proof that I should. You don't have to convince me or be scared that you're not enough, cause what we've got going is good. So what if it's us? And only us? "_

Alex's hands are shaking slightly _"i never thought there'd be someone like you who would want me. So I give you ten thousand reasons to not let me go. But if you really see me, if you like me for me and nothing else Well, that's all that I've wanted for longer that you could possibly know, so it can be us. And only us."_

John smiles and moves his hands up to either side of Alexanders face, his thumbs resting on Alexanders cheeks and pulls him into a passionate kiss. The kiss is warm and full of love and passion, with little whispers of the fear and sadness john was holding in all day. Alex leans into the kiss, wrapping his arms around johns waist, and for the first time today the dark clouds in Alex's mind suppress, and he feels like everything will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GWB: George Washington bridge. Couldn't explicitly say the name because why does a character in my story have a bridge named after him. 
> 
> TTY: in the simplest form- a tty is like a pay phone for deaf people? You can send messages to phones from a TTY? Just like payphones they're pretty outdated.
> 
> Personal fave cannon: John is way taller than Alexander. Not historically or even play accurate but I am here for it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Undiagnosed OCD, hearing guide, check your audism

Ch 9 

The weeks after James and Rachel officially didn't 'own' or control Alexander anymore were the most peaceful weeks of both Alex's and johns lives. There relationship is casual, stolen kisses in the dorm and pushing their twin beds together to make one large bed where they cuddle and continue their unending Golden Girls marathon. It's romantic to john, he likes the intimacy that is just enough to make his heart swell but not enough to send him into a panic. John doesn't anger as easily when Alex is around, he works as a beacon to keep john focused when something would set him off. Before they met anything could set him off; someone talking in the wrong tone to him, or if someone slammed a door. And there were other things- his pet peeves were the worst, small things like if napkins weren't all neatly together, or he had to lock the door atleast 4 times to make sure it was locked, because 4 was an even number and it made him comfortable and he knew it was locked by the 4th time or when the tv volume was at an odd number because WHO THE FUCK WOULD DO THAT? WHO wants to listen at a 23? Not a 22, or 24. NO. 23. but Alexander cleared those thoughts, Alexander left stacks of napkins from fastfood bags on the counter and john didn't need to touch them, and organize them. The volume he could adjust freely, seeing and Alexander really had no say. 

But probably the most important- john didn't have to check the locks 4 times. He knew he was safe with Alexander. 

\------------------— 

John was absentmindedly cleaning the kitchen, (the sink had to be scrubbed 6 times on each side then it would be perfect) when Alexander came in slamming the door, looking positively pissed off. John dropped the sponge in the sink signing _"what wrong?"_

Alex just sighs and rubs his face, then responds _"i crossing street, in crosswalk. A car comes starts honking, can't hear, didn't see, almost got hit. Someone call UPD for me, they tell me I need a hearing aid dog, SECOND time this happen."_

Johns jaw goes slack _"You almost hit!? TWICE!?"_

Alex just shrugs then nods his head. _"yeah? Also miss alarm for fire, if my back faces the flashing light. UPD give me paper about how to pick up a training hearing dog. But- don't want! Independent!"_

John just smiles and shakes his head _"but- free dog! Help you, maybe even help with panic attacks?"_ john adds bumping Alex with his elbow, trying to get him on board. Alex rolls his eyes and signs _"Fine. Come to training center and help pick one out?"_ john breaks into A toothy grin and nods yes, he's always loved animals and he's always wanted a puppy. 

\----------------------—

The campus training center for service animals was in a random building thrown on the edge of campus. But it was colorful and cute and IT HOLDS PUPPIES. 

Walking in, John and Alex were shocked to find Hercules at the front desk "hey you guys! What brings you to the training center?" He booms from the front desk. Alex slides him the paper UPD gave him, sighing. as Herc reads it he nods along, then looks up "okay follow me." He swings the gate open for Alex and john to walk back with him. 

Herc turns into the first room on the left and there's a few dogs running and playing around, playing tug of war with each other. The minute Alex and john step in a smallish husked runs up and is nudging Alex's hand, Alex smiles and kneels down rubbing between its ears. Hercules smiles st the interaction "this is Hokkaido. She's almost a year old, and knows sign language" he says looking at the chart that reads Hokkaido across the front. John signs the information back to Alex who smiles as she licks his face. 

\----------------— 

A few hours later after Alex learned about what Hokkaido does and how she can help him, and some handling skills for a service animal, they were walking home, john and Alex together, then Hokkaido wearing her red vest, trotting with almost a pride to her. 

 

Later when Alex is walking to class, reading an article on his phone with Hokkaido trailing ahead of him, when she stops and pulls on her vest. Alex looks up and sees Thomas Jefferson walking towards him, his lips moving but Alex has no idea what he's saying, Hokkaido pulls again nervously, showing that he's yelling. 

Suddenly Thomas is in his face yelling, Alex can only catch a few words, "asshole- debate- with me. I- believe not" Alex sighs and rolls his eyes. _"i don't-"_ before he can finish signing Thomas smacks his hands down, and takes his phone, typing quickly 

**If you know what's good for you, drop out of the debate. You'll never win against me. You're deaf, mute and fucking stupid? What makes you think you could even sign up for debate!? Was it your little boyfriend? The one who says you can do whatever you set your mind to? You can't. And he doesn't Really fucking care about your deaf problems. LITERALLY THE ONE REQUIRMENT IS BEING ABLE TO SPEAK AND YOU CANT EVEN DO THAT RIGHT? you sound so stupid trying to speak like us. drop the fucking debate. Leave it to the people who have a fucking future and aren't going to just be a factory worker or a fucking postman?**

He hands Alex his phone and as Alex reads the message his spirit physically breaks, his eyes are wide and he won't look up to Thomas, he won't let him see him cry. Hokkaido is pulling Alex whining, knowing he is about to have a panic attack. She won't let her human be hurt out in public, this is her job. Finally Alex turns and walks aimlessly following wherever Hokkaido was pulling him. Soon he feels Hokkaido nudge him and looks up to see his dorm door, maybe this service dog wasn't too bad after all.. 

Alex just sighs rubbing his eyes then lays on the two beds he and john pushed together and Hokkaido jumped up nudging Alex. Alex rubbed her ear affectionately and she licked his arm, it was oddly calming for him. After a few minutes he felt the vibrations of the door slamming, and john appears in the doorframe with a confused look on his face _"Why home? You miss debate class why?"_

Alex looks at him, his expression soft, and hurt, _"gonna drop the class, not good place for me."_

John sits in front of him and pulls Alex's legs into his lap leaning on them softly _"what happened babygirl? Tell me."_

Alex smiles as john signs 'babygirl' and blushes slightly. _"no john i dont want you to become mad, just lay with me._

_"fine.. but tomorrow you need talk to mrs. Washington about dropping debate."_

john finishes then pulls Alex close to his chest, alex just smiles and leans into the contact, Hokkaido works her way in between them and locks johns face. As Alex drifts off john can't help the anger that bubbles in his chest that someone upset Alex enough to make him want to quit his favorite thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPD: university police department 
> 
> I decided maybe OCD along with IED would be good for john, but it's still developmental and if you feel like I did something wrong with the OCD let me know- 
> 
> Thomas Jefferson is a douche to me bye 
> 
> The postman factory worker comment is pretty rude? Historically the only jobs deaf people were hired for is working at the post office or in a factory. It's pretty annoying. 
> 
> My university really does service dog training on campus and it's truly the best building on campus I love them. 
> 
> I decided that since the overall plot point I had was over, I'm gonna use chapters to explore the things deaf teens/adults deal with. Hearing guide dogs are still pretty new and not used abundantly but I love them. I touched on audism with Jefferson but more of that for ch. 10. 
> 
>  
> 
> Comments and kudos appricated!!!!!


	10. chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> have you ever read the outsiders? or seen the movie? well this is basically because I read the book the outsiders and Johnny is a sweet little babe. if you haven't read i suggest
> 
>  
> 
> Tw- graphic violence, hospitals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like this is shorter than usually, but i think it's good. comments/ kudos fuel me thx

Chapter 10- 

 

The next day was Friday, Alex and John don’t have a class this day, so they decided to spend the weekend at George and Martha’s house, where the Washington’s have set up rooms for the two boys, not that they sleep in separate rooms. 

Whenever the two came to visit, Martha was floating about, cooking, cleaning, anything really to make them happy. Martha loved nothing more than taking care of children, and John and Alex were no exceptions, she loved Alexander with every bit of her, that was her son blood relation or not. John too, in the few months Alex has been with John, he’d wiggled his way into her heart. 

 

A few hours after they arrived all four of them; George, Alex, Martha and John were at the table drinking coffee, eating pie and idly chatting and laughing with each other when Martha piped up 

_”Alex, miss debate class why?”_ Martha signed

instantly alexander looks down sliding his hands under the table, just shrugging his shoulders. John slides his hand under the table entwining their fingers. Martha taps on the table to get alexanders attention, worry filling her and George's eyes. This time George signs 

_”Alexander, why miss class?”_

Alex shrugs again signing one handily _”don’t want to debate anymore. Don’t like it”_

George knits his brows together and looks to John, Alex is looking down at his lap so john speaks “I don’t know what happened he won’t tell me, he left for debate with Hokkaido, he came back early and just got in bed upset. Something happened but he won’t tell me” George can feel John getting angry, so he stands “come on son, let’s go see the gardens. Get you a little calm, and maybe Alex will tell Martha” he says pulling john up, causing Alex to snap his head up and shoot john a pleading look, which John just signs _”sorry”_

Once John and George were outside Martha turned to Alexander _”baby, you can tell me anything. What happen? John say you come home upset, you love debate, why quit?”_

Alex sighs _”can take care of myself. Don’t need you, john, George to baby me. Can deal with it alone”_

Martha reached over and squeezed his hand softly before she started signing _”know we don’t need to baby you, but want to. I and George think of you as son, john loves you. And we want you to be happy, safe. Need to know if someone is hurting you”_  
Alex shakily pulls his phone out, opening to the message Jefferson typed out before signing _”walking to class with Hokkaido, Thomas stop me, scare Hokkaido and tell me this”_ as he finishes he slides his phone to Martha waiting for her to read. 

When she finishes she instantly looks up at him, the rage of one thousand fires burning in her eyes as she slams the phone down standing. Quickly alexander grabs her hand signing _”please don’t tell john, john become angry, hurt Thomas, get hurt himself. Can’t do that. Can’t see him hurt”_

Martha sighs and sits next to him _”Alexander. Can’t be scared of doing what you want because of stupid threats. Come back to debate.. and talk to John. He worries”_

Alex just smiles and looks up at John and George, who are walking back in. Martha kisses the top of his head and picks up all the plates off the table, and Alex can’t help thinking maybe everything will be alright…

Maybe…

-a few days later- 

Alexander has been back to debate class, but he still won’t tell john what happened. Every day, John walks Alexander to his debate class with Hokkaido, then go back to the dorm and some nights John will pick him up or Martha will drive him home.

But tonight was different. As John cut through the field he spent afternoons playing football with Herc as Laf and Alex watched on, he felt like he was being followed? 

No, he was definitely being followed, by a purple mustang? Who the fuck? John starts to walk a little faster through the field, shrinking into his denim jacket, trying to hide. Suddenly he sees the car pull in front of him throw it in park and three people pop out, they’re all slowly stalking towards John. His senses are failing him, fight or flight? Fight or flight? John instantly turns the other way and starts running.

But they’re faster. The taller one, with a flop of curly hair, closer to what John would think of an afro grabs him by the back of his Jacket and throws him onto the damp grass. John can feel the dew of the untouched grass slowly soaking into his back, he tries to get up but the afro-haired boy punches him, causing him to fall back onto the grass. Instantly all three of the boys are just WAILING on him. Kicks, and punches, and god knows what else. He feels the blood rushing down his face, he knows his nose is broken. Suddenly they all stop, the afro-haired boy pulling a knife from his back pocket grinning devilishly 

“how ‘bout a haircut for Johnny here?” he says as he kneels next to John, who is too weak and light headed to move, let alone fight him off. 

The man grabs a wad of Johns' hair and is instantly sawing at it with his knife laughing. John is holding his breath, don’t cry, don’t let them see you cry. 

The bigger built of the two boys is pulling at afro-kids arm “come on tom that’s enough…” ‘Tom’ just shrugs and gets up, throwing the inches of hair he just cut off onto Johns limp-like body, then tacking a note to his jacket that just says ‘this is what happens when you go to debate’. 

“we’re so busted,” the heavier set teen says as he pulls Tom back to the car 

Tom just laughs looking back to where John still lays “our little Johnny won’t remember a thing… this should send a message to Alex to stay out of my debate… there’s no place for people like him in this world besides sorting mail at the post office Jemmy and you know that…” 

-two hours later-  
-8pm-  
Debate has been over for 30 minutes now, John should’ve been waiting for Alex right outside the door to the classroom. Alex hates when John waits outside, outside was dangerous. Especially in Brooklyn, at night. Martha had a board meeting then had to run uptown, so John said he’d walk him home. 

And yet- here we are. Did John forget? No, John wouldn’t forget Alex.

Alex just sighs, pulling out his cell phone, opening up the group chat of him, John Laf and Herc 

**HamSandwhich:** Hey, John where are you?  
**LafTrack:** he wasn’t at the dorm before do you need a ride hammy?  
**ZeroToHero:** it’s weird he wasn’t there? Is he alright?  
**HamSandwhich:** Dude I don’t know, will you guys come get me? Martha had to run uptown.  
**ZeroToHero:** already on the way my dude.. 

ten minutes later, Alex is looking out the back window of Laf’s Ford Fiesta sadly, wondering where John could possibly be… thinking quietly to himself as they drive.

the field looks so nice lit up like that, putting spotlights so the kids could play after dark was a great idea. Oh wait, a homeless dude is sleeping in the field

… 

wait, is that?

“Stop the car” Alexander says, his voice is strong, demanding. Like he’s spoken every  
day of his life, and this is a clear demand. Laf instantly slams on the brakes like they weren’t in the middle of a street, then shaking himself out of whatever trance Alex’s voice put him in, and parallel parking next to the curb of the park. Instantly Alex is out of the car, running across the field, Laf, and Herc close in tow. 

When Alex finally reaches the body, he screams. Deep, hurtful, screaming, he doesn’t know what it sounds like, and he doesn’t care. Truly deeply doesn’t. he falls to his knees, landing in a puddle of blood next to John’s head. He’s still bleeding from his forehead and mouth, there’s dried blood on his neck and all down his shirt. Alex instantly is clutching John’s chest, pulling him close to Alex. 

Alex can feel the shallow breathing coming from John’s chest, and he can feel the hot tears rolling down his face. 

The next thing his notices the puffs of hair scattered on the ground, and how short Johns hair is on one side. Who would do this?

Finally, he sees the sticky note. 

Alex should be mad, fuck he should want to kill Thomas. But he can’t find the power to be mad through this vast ubiquitous melancholy he can feel washing over him as thick hot tears. He’s shaking John softly, 

“John, wake up wake up wake up. John?” Alex is saying over and over again, still clutching John’s shirt, blood drying on his own hands now. 

He sees John’s eyes flutter softly, and John grips Alex’s hand that’s still pressing on his chest softly. Alex smiles bitterly and is soon pushed over by the EMT who begins lifting John onto the stretcher.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Johnny dies in The Outsiders. am i gonna kill John? ill decide in the car. (prob not i can't hurt my babs. ill change the Archive warning if someone dies my dudes I'm not here to hurt people)
> 
>  
> 
> tumblr: 365daysofvictoria
> 
> twitter: 365daysofvic
> 
> my cats instagram: @Moanathecat_


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hospitals, meet the parents, fear the parent, this author loves this chapter
> 
>  
> 
> *****John has a mom and Henry isn’t a fuckstick because this is my fic and I do what I want*****
> 
>  
> 
> Trigger warning- hospitals? I don't know if that's a trigger but I like to let ye know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the longest chapter I've ever written for this fic, I'm proud of it.
> 
> Sorry if you get an update notif for this, I’m doing some editing.

Chapter 11 

John was rushed to Mercy Hospital, right outside of New York City. They wouldn’t let Alex ride in the hospital, family only, so Alex, Laf, and Herc just trailed behind the ambulance as it raced across town. 

Running into the hospital, Herc goes to the desk with Laf and Alex close behind him. 

“we’re looking for John Laurens, he was in the ambulance that just came in” Herc yelled stressfully rubbing his hands, in stressful situations Herc doesn’t know how to handle his volumes. 

The nurse lazily looked up at him, then rolled her eyes down to the computer screen typing slowly. “are any of you family…?” they all looked between each other, Laf's eyes finally falling on alexander “this is John’s boyfriend? Does that count? Johns family lives in South Carolina” 

The nurse eyes Alexander, causing him to shrink away slightly, looking down from her harsh gaze 

“well… you better call his family now, your boy is in ICU prep for surgery” 

“surgery?!” Alexander piped up, causing Herc and Laf to snap their heads down to alexander, who’s been exceedingly talkative today. His new hearing aids were really getting the job done today, hearing better than usual. George and Martha had given them to him a week ago but today was the first day he actually put them in, maybe that was a good thing…

Alex was instantly shaking, hands and shirt still covered in John’s blood 

“yes surgery, Johnny boy has…” she looks down at the chart she was just handed “three broken ribs, a punctured lung filling with blood, and a ruptured spleen… so yes. Surgery. Like I said, call his parents” 

Laf is gripping Alex’s arm, basically holding him up “Alex, let’s get you cleaned up, Herc went to get your hoodie from the car…” Laf said pulling Alex into the bathroom. As Laf rubbed hand soap all over Alex’s hands, he remained stoic, staring off into space as his thoughts raced through his mind. As he thought of how this was his fault, he did this to John, he’s the reason why John was going into Surgery, he’s the reason someone has to call John’s father, sweet Christ what if John dies what if he dies? If John dies Alex won’t live much longer, he’ll finally have the balls to throw himself off the GWB, he really will he won’t live more than 10 minutes after John, because he did this, he put John in that hospital bed because of his stupid fucking debate. He shou-  
He snaps his head up from his trance to Laf shaking his shoulder “Alexander? Are you with me?” 

Alex just nods. “here, Herc brought your hoodie in, give me your shirt.” 

Alex slips off his shirt as Laf hands him the hoodie, once he slips it on he realizes its Johns football hoodie, he feels tears beginning to brim his eyes as he sits in the waiting room in between Herc and Laf. He’s clutching at the sleeves of John’s hoodie that cover his hands being nearly three sizes too big. He looks down at the patch on the left chest, donning a little football and ‘LAURENS 73’ in that stupid athletic varsity font and smiles bitterly. The hoodie still smells like John, like his cologne, and like his Tea Tree Mint shampoo, it made Alex feel safe, and even calm as he slowly drifts into as deep a sleep as you can in a plastic waiting room chair. 

 

A few hours later he’s being shaken awake. When he creeks his eyes open he sees Laf stretching then standing up. Alex stretches softly and looks up, instantly he’s bombarded by two older people, 

The woman has dark island skin, even darker than Alex, she has a mop of curly flowy hair and is dusted in dark freckles, instantly Alex recognizes her as John’s mother, she has to be.

The other is a well-built older white man, his dirty blonde hair is styled neatly, but must be from when he got home for work, as it was starting to become disheveled from their redeye flight in. his eyes were carbon copies of Johns; green, with flakes of gold and brown and deep. He was also pushing 6’4’’ and muscular, so obviously Johns father. 

They’re talking to Alexander, but he isn’t hearing anything. Laf steps in front of them putting a hand up and they both stop talking, then Laf hands Alex his hearing aids with a small smile on his lips. Alex just takes him nodding to him and puts them in adjusting the volume quietly 

“sorry about that, Alexander is deaf and when he fell asleep one fell out and I took the other so they would not break..” Laf explained to Johns parents 

the woman kneels in front of Alex and rests her hands on his knee, god that reminds him of John, fuck. 

“I’m Eleanor… who are you? Why do you have my son’s hoodie on? What happened?” the woman spoke softly, tears are peeking at the rims of her eyes. 

“I’m Alex, John is my???” what was John to him? Was it too soon to say, boyfriend? Are they even an item? “Roommate. John is my roommate… he walked me to class be—before… yeah…” he wiped his face with the sleeve of Johns hoodie 

“a—and the people who attacked John, were looking for me… o—or hurt John because of me…” 

instantly there is a flame in her eyes “y—you did this?! You’re the reason John is here!? Some boy?! I ca—can’t believe this.. you did this. You put John in that bed- fighting for his life because of some boy! I…” she stammers, her blood boiling, Alex can feel the heat coming off of her, the pure anger. A nurse walks up and Eleanor turns all her attention to the nurse, who is mumbling about John and how he’s out of surgery and awake but very, very groggy on morphine, but he can take visitors, Laf relaying the information to Alex, as he can’t hear mumbling.

“I’d like to keep it at family only,” Eleanor said, throwing a burning glare towards Alexander, he instantly gasped and shot up “please no, please… please let me see him.” Alex is begging, ready to collapse to his knees and beg, hands clasped in prayer 

“Elle, be rational… these boys saved Johns life, let them in” Henry mumbled to his wife, pulling her close. She just pushed him away and started walking back with the nurse “he wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them” she says bitterly. Henry sends them a sad, apologetic look and follows the nurse and Alani. 

 

The nurse opens the door quietly, the lights are dimmed but there John lays, his eyes are closed, one eye badly blackened and swollen, cuts all down his face, two needing stitching, and random bruises on his arms and neck. He’s attached to a few machines, a heart monitor, IV drip, and oxygen cannulas wrapped around his ears into his nose, but he’s fiddling with a bracelet on his wrist so he’s awake.. the nurse just nods and closes the door behind her as Alani rubs Johns shoulder lovingly “hey curly Q, wake up baby… It’s me, mom… dad’s here too” John looks over and rubs his eyes softly smiling tiredly. “heeey mom, dad… glad you could make it” he says giggling softly.

“don’t worry baby… everything’s gonna be okay…” Eleanor whispers to him brushing his hair out of his face softly 

“ma, dad… where are the guys..?” John asks tiredly 

“Johnny, Jem, and Junior are too young to come to the hospital… they stayed with grandpa” Henry answers patting Johns' hand softly 

“no—not your guys, myyyyyy guys… my guys aren’t too young for anything… except maybe drinking. But we do that anyway.” he adds laughing, henry and Eleanor would be furious; but their son is alive and turns twenty-one in three months. Whatever.

Eleanor just sniffs softly and smiles bitterly “they’re… they’re waiting outside. Why don’t you just relax baby? We don’t have to talk anymore” she whispers to him.

John just shakes his head “no ma, it’s okay… I want you to do something for me—“ John mumbles, starting to succumb to the drugs they’re pumping into him  
“anything, curly Q…” she smiles at his nickname softly, playing with the rough cuts of his hair from those… those animals. 

He’s whispering now “if something happens to me, I need you and dad to look after Alex and Laf and Herc for me…Alex can’t be alone, don’t let them hurt him. I love him most.. _Mi Cielito, lo querrán como yo lo quiero.”_ (my little piece of heaven/my little sky, you’ll love him like I love him)

Eleanor just sighs wiping tears from her eyes softly “ _Lo sé,_ (I know) okay baby… but you’re gonna be just fine..” 

John just nods sleepily, eventually closing his eyes as small snores escape his lips. 

 

ν Back to the waiting room – 

Laf, Herc, and Alex all sit around a small table in the waiting room, the table littered with coffee cups and snack wrappers from the vending machine. The nurse gave Alex a hospital throw blanket and he was wrapped in it leaning onto laf on a fake loveseat couch, while Herc sat in a normal chair. 

“my ass is asleep” Laf chirps after a twenty-minute silence 

“Fine, we’ll keep our voices down” Herc quipped, causing both Alex and Laf to break into thick, throaty laughter. Maybe it was exhaustion, as the time neared 2 am, or maybe it was just funny. Alex will never know… 

“well, I’m glad to see my sons’ near-death experience hasn’t upset you all..” Eleanor said coldly as she now stood in front of the three of them. Henry apologetically looking at them from next to her. All three teens stand, Alex is the first to speak pulling the threads of the sleeve of johns sweatshirt “what’s going on back there…?” Alex asks anxiously 

Eleanor Just sighs playing with the tissue in her hand “well… he just got out of surgery, and—and he doesn’t look too good…” she stutters out holding back tears 

“when can we see him?” Laf blurts, tears brimming his eyes.

“i—I don’t think that’s a good idea right now…” Eleanor mumbles looking at the three young faces surrounding her. 

Herc finally spoke up “what did the doctor say?”  
She sighs again wiping her eyes as Henry gripped her shoulder, he spoke up this time, his southern accent thicker than Johns “well… he said the next few hours are very crucial, to make sure all the internal bleeding is gone, and that his lung can function without a ventilator, because of how it was punctured… but if we can get past that he’ll be fine.” 

Eleanor cuts in tears running down her face “but… if he needs the oxygen longer than his stay we don’t know what were gonna do… o—our insurance won’t cover that and he’s gonna be sore for weeks because of the surgery and we can’t imagine him missing school and moving home so he-he’d need a nurse and we just…” she’s crying harder and Henry just continues to rub her back, Alex shakes his head and grabs her hand softly, pulling her onto the couch next to him, and Laf on the other side of her. 

“listen, none of that matters. We will help, we can help him get to class, do basic things…” Alex says softly

“oui, I can take him to Civil War History, and anatomy on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and Herc is in his Art appreciation and 3D art class so he can drive him…” Laf says nodding to Herc who just nods thoughtfully. 

“—And then, whatever we can’t do, Alex here will pick up the slack for,” Herc said laughing softly 

“you’d all do that for him…?” Eleanor nearly whispers as Laf hands her a napkin to wipe her tears 

“of course Mrs. Laurens” Laf comforted her 

“a few months ago, after somethings happened with Alexander we made a pact, if something happened to any of us, the others are always gonna be there…” Herc added, smiling weakly. 

“well… h-he’s very lucky to have all of you… I- I’m sorry for yelling at you before” she says softly turning to Alexander “I… you’re alexander? Correct?” 

he nods softly 

“he was asking for you… then told me about you.. you’re his _cielito_ , his-“ 

“his little sky… Did h-he really say that about me? He asked about me…?” Alex whispered, staring into Eleanor’s eyes. She nodded softly wiping her nose looking down at her hands. “please understand, i—I didn’t mean what I said. I was angry, my son, my oldest baby is hurt—and I couldn’t protect him. It’s not your fault Alexander, I’m so sorry…” she sighs standing up softly 

“Elle, where are you going baby?” Henry asks softly, grabbing her hand. 

“i—im gonna go talk to the doctors about these guys… Johnny needs his family right now, and this is his family” she says softly swinging her hand out to the three teens standing in the waiting room…

 

a nurse opens the door to John’s room looking through his file “listen, you can only stay a few minutes… you’re really not supposed to be back here, but Mrs. Laurens can be very convincing. Fifteen minutes tops. And please—keep it down. John is knocked out pretty solidly, close to comatose, it helps with the pain, but they’re always listening, feel free to chat it up…” 

The three teens nod at him and then sit next to John’s bed softly. Alex can feel his throat is thick with tears “god… look at him…” he whispered. John slept soundly on the bed, looking so small, though he was a behemoth compared to Alexander. Laf rubbed Alex’s back softly rubbing circles. “no one looks good after surgery mon ami…” 

“tell that to Cher” Herc joked, laughing at himself. Laf smacked his arm “not now Herc…” 

“no Laf, I know John, and so do you—if we act like this is some serious depressing thing it’s just gonna fuck with his head and his recovery.. keep it light..” 

Herc rubs his arm affectionately “hey kiddo, it's Herc, Laf is here. And goddamn if you thought Ham Sandwich has even taken a bathroom break in the 6 hours we’ve been here”

John starts tossing and turning softly, grumbling “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Alex shakes him softly “john..? john baby why are you sorry?” he says smiling that John is waking up

“I’m sorry I died..” John whines rubbing his eyes, this makes the trio laugh as John yawns 

“you didn’t die, babe… you’re fine, you’re here with me” Alex 

John smiles entwining their fingers weakly, the heart monitor and IV line tangling in the mess too, this makes John laugh softly, clearly very doped up.

“ _Mi cielito_ I love you, Alexander Hamilton… I want to shout it from the roof of this hospital” John hums, making his own song from the words 

“how could you love me? I did this to you…” Alex mumbles looking down at their hands 

“heyheyheyheyheyhey—no.” John pulls Alex’s face softly, “ you didn’t do this, you didn’t hit me? You didn’t do that. It's Manhattan Alexander, people get jumped all the time… it's just a coincidence that this guy has a wild grudge with you..” he finishes with a laugh and kisses Alex’s hand softly, pecking tons of kisses into his hand, giggling in between kisses, like the night Alexander ran away… 

and Alex knows everything will be okay…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t hate Eleanor, she was in protective mama bear mode and didn't mean to hurt Alex. 
> 
> this chapter is based off an Episode of 'The Golden Girls', one of my all time favorite shows ever, and this is an important/very very good episode-- Season 7, Episode 24 if you're curious. 
> 
> finally- there was no signing from alexander in this chapter because 1) new hearing aids can truly make a world of difference, so he had some hearing ability back-- also the next chapter is going to have a focus on Alex attending Speech Therapy, so thats why it seems like he can randomly talk now? he can't. i just apparently don't know how to plan and forgot to mention speech therapy in the last chapter and there was no way for me to squeeze it into this chapter. 
> 
> as always- Comments/ kudos greatly appreciated. 
> 
> tumblr:365daysofvictoria
> 
> twitter 365daysofvic
> 
> cats instagram: Moanathecat_


	12. chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> basically fluff because i hurt you last week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really feel that the quality of my writing has slowly deteriorated in this story, so I’m trying to get back to the quality I had in earlier chapters? And I’m trying to get back on track after that ‘outsiders’ break we had. Thanks for sticking around through the mess though
> 
>  
> 
> dedicating this to Corny, they needed a break from the Angst(tm)

-3 months later- 

Jefferson was put in jail, Alexander finished up his speech therapy, and John started to think maybe his love was unrequited. It seemed like John and Alex’s relationship had plateaued, to neutral cuddling (not even every night), and fleeting glances. John has no idea what happened between them, and he doesn’t like it. Did Alex not like him anymore? Maybe he doesn’t like labels? But John wants that… that official status? Maybe status wasn’t the right word? 

That doesn’t matter, though, John feels that his IED and OCD are getting worse since he was attacked. Little things make him angry, then at night he has to check the locks three times if he goes to bed before 9 pm or check them four times if he goes to bed after 10 pm, because if he doesn’t check what is stopping Jefferson breaking out of prison, finding their dorm, and opening the door to hurt Alex, or hurt john again? So of course checking multiple times makes sense, he knows he is safe. 

Summer was quickly approaching, and with summer, comes finals. Alex and John just have to get through finals.

So John just bottles everything up, all of his anger, all of his OCD tendencies, because he can’t bother Alex with his angry outbursts, and his incessant need to turn the light switch exactly 12 times before finally going to bed, so he sits silently and sometimes he feels like he is going to come apart at the seams, or explode in one big movement, but no. he just sits as the dark thoughts continue to fill his head.

Finally, after what seemed to be the longest week in Alexander’s life, finals were done. Walking back into his dorm, Alexander was ready to just relax with John. His John. What was wrong with john? He seemed so… standoffish? Lately? Alex just didn’t understand, maybe it was because of the attack? Or maybe John wasn’t interested anymore. 

Walking into the dorm, Alex’s heart swelled. It was late afternoon and because the sun was no longer so high in the sky, a calming blue tone washed over the room, the late afternoon of summer drenched every corner in the cold tones. On the makeshift full bed –which was still made of john and Alex’s twin beds being pushed together- laid John, asleep. His face was calm and still. He radiated warmth, his tan complexion fighting against the blue tones of the room, Alex felt a sense of home looking at John. He sat on the edge of the bed just watching his chest rise and fall, how his lip quivered as –what Alex could only guess was snores—escaped his mouth. Alex smiled softly crawling up to the head of the bed, lying next to John now, he began to run his nimble fingers through Johns curls, a halo of hair framing his head. Alex smiles to himself as he runs his fingers through the locs and corkscrews, scratching against his scalp softly. He feels john hum and lean into Alex’s hand softly, drawing his body closer to alexanders, a sleepy smile spreading across his face. John stretches slightly and turns so he’s now facing Alex. 

Finishing up speech therapy was something Alexander felt he had to do, you can’t be a lawyer and not speak, or a politician and not speak, but Alex would always prefer to sign. Signing to him carried a certain intimacy that speaking would never reach. John stretches softly again and starts signing 

_“how was final test?”_

Alex smiles and softly pulls his hand out of John’s curls _” final was okay. Think maybe passed? Don’t know. Want to go out tonight. Be with friends again”_

John shrugs before answering _“okay, text them. Go get Pho at Pho-King now night”_

Alex smiles and pulls his phone out of his pocket typing in the group chat, but also watching John silently. His face is hard now, silently putting a first aid kit, pencils, and other random supplies in a backpack. Alex taps him with a confused look on his face 

_”why packing bookbag?_

John looks down and realizes what he’s doing, but shrugs again _”don’t know. Maybe need these things when we at restaurant”_

 _”John, maybe we need talk. You do this a lot now, what happen? What wrong?”_

John just shakes his head, clutching his backpack before reluctantly placing it on the bed  
_”Nothing, am fine. Let’s go”_ he finishes grabbing his keys and heading for the door 

 

as they walked into Pho-King, Alex smiled at the cluster of his friends at the back large booth they always populate. Alex and John split off, Alex sitting between Laf and Herc as John sat between Eliza and a new girl who hasn’t joined them before? Alex bangs on the table softly and everyone turns to him, the new girl has an annoyed look on her face  
_”who is new girl?”_

Eliza answers before the new girl has a chance to ask what Alex said  
_” this Martha Manning, she my partner in Chem, okay if I invite her?”_ Alex just shrugs and introduces himself in ASL, whilst John has been interpreting for her. 

The night carries on normally, Herc and Laf signing with Alex, chatting about Alex’s finals, and if he’s ready for going onto his senior year in college, but Alex can’t focus, all he can see is Martha resting her hand on John’s bicep. 

And occasionally putting her hand on top of Johns on the table.

And noticing John gets tense every time she tries to flirtatiously touch him. 

Finally after John had snatched his hand away from her Alex banged his hand on the table angrily causing Johns head to snap up, among others, but when he started signing at John everyone else went back to their normal conversations, except Martha who was watching Alex intently but didn’t have a clue what they were saying. 

_”John you okay? Need me to stop her?”_

john sighs wringing his hands then signs _”no. fine. You trade seats with Eliza?”_ Alexander just nods and him and Eliza switch, she’s now dominated by Laf probably babbling about French fashion, or football. They both knew plenty about the subjects. 

Alex has his arm laced into Johns, while he signs with Angelica about Mr. Knox’s Econ final. Once again, Martha rests her hand on John’s bicep, leaning closer to him almost whispering “so… this is your little boyfriend?” 

John scoots away from her softly, he feels the all familiar anger starting to pool in the pit of his stomach, but is focusing on the way Alex leans into him, and his hair smelling of Tea tree mint shampoo and just shrugs “we haven’t labeled it” he answers simply, trying to focus on only Angelica and Alex’s signing. 

Martha scoots closer again and now rests her hand on his upper thigh, too high if you ask him. His leg starts shaking sporadically, showing his agitation and discomfort. She’s whispering into his ear again “John, there’s so much more out there. Don’t you want someone who can moan your name at night?” he stands instantly as her hand was starting to trail north again pushing her hand away and heading for the door, Alex’s head instantly snaps up to meet her eyes, the anger of a thousand suns burning in his eyes. He looks up to Peggy who has the same look of anger, rolling her sleeves up. Peggy was John’s best friend and she knew just as much as Alex that unwelcome contact made John go into a panic attack. 

Alex got up too, following John out. It was sunset now, and getting dark on the sidewalk, so Alex was losing the one sense he relied on most. After walking almost a block away from Pho’s, he found John sitting on the curb, behind a public mailbox, his head between his knees. Alexander knocked on the metal mailbox softly causing John to look up at him  
_”can I sit?”_ Alex signed. John just nodded in reply and Alex plopped next to him 

_”can I touch you?”_ Alex asked softly reaching his hand out. John’s eyes were trained on Alex’s but shook his head no aggressively wringing his hands, both already bright red from wringing. 

Alex nods softly _”okay. Okay. Talk to me, tell me how she upset you why?”_

John nods, he’s talking out loud to himself, but Alex can still read his lips, and as he becomes calmer, it’s easier to understand him. 

“I.. I just don’t like the attention like that? I worked a lot in the last year to become fully aware of what I want, and who I want, and I told her to stop and she told me that it was just harmless flirting but I didn’t want it. And I told her to stop touching me. And I couldn’t get your attention at first and she was making me mad but then you got my attention and moved over and tried to ground me but she kept going and I had to leave I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” John was obsessively running his hand through his hair. 

Alex sighs and taps his hand against his fist, the noise grabbing John’s attention, causing him to look up from the ground  
_”John, you have right to not want to be touched by a stranger. You didn’t want, she didn’t stop. It’s okay to be upset. It's good you leave, not blow up, become mad. Happy you working with your anger”_ Alex finishes smiling, and John cracks a small smile also.

 _”we go back to pho?”_ John signs softly. 

as they walk the block back to Pho, John slowly slips his fingers in between Alex’s. as they are walking into Pho, a wet, sticky Martha is walking out, shooting daggers at Alex. 

As they sit at the table, the waiter is helping Peggy cleaned up soda that’s been splashed across the table>

_”what happen here? Why sticky?”_ Alex asked laughing.

Eliza laughs too and signs _”well, Martha make John upset, Peggy called her out. She say something mean, so Peggy threw coke on her”_ the whole table erupts in laughter again and John hugs Peggy tightly laughing with her 

 

Dinner passed without any other problems, it was spent by alexander casting longing glances across the table to John, and john occasionally catching him. Finally, after catching him for the third time, John slid his hand across the table, Alex meeting him in the middle and entwines their fingers together softly. 

Alex is intently moving his food around, picking the vegetables he likes out of the stir-fry while Peggy speaks, she doesn’t look up just talking to John “so… is it official yet? What's going on with you two?” 

John just shrugs pushing his rice around. “I want it to be something… so bad. Maybe I'm pushing it too hard? But fuck I want to make it something…” Peggy smiles warmly at him and pats his leg softly. She was always so comforting to John. “listen.. hate to be this guy—but if you don’t ask him tonight, I'm gonna do it for you” johns face instantly heats up and he sighs again “fine… okay… yeah, I will tonight.” 

Walking home, the friends were all laughing and joking about Laf making Sake come out of his nose, as laf reddened and shoved past them, but laughing to himself. John felt something warming in his chest, to add to the heat of the summer night. He felt warm and loved. Like he never wanted this night to end. Finally, at the end of the block, the group had to split off. Herc and Laf would head to Herc’s apartment on 150th, the sisters would head to 159th and John and Alex would continue forward to the dorms. After hugs, and making more plans for tomorrow, John and Alex were walking alone now, towards their building. 

John spent the whole walk worrying himself with what he was going to do. Should he just tell alexander? Or maybe keep it in. he didn’t want to ruin his and Alex’s relationship they had so far. He almost didn’t even notice Alex bumping their hands together 

 

Almost

 

So John entwined their fingers loosely again. It was extra warmth john did not need in the heat of May, but accepted it gladly. After what seemed to be an eternity to john’s anxiety riddled brain, they arrived at the dorm. John instantly plopped on the bed. 

A few minutes later he sits up and turns to alexander, who was watching him from the kitchen island. 

_”Alex, we need to talk.”_

Alex nods for him to continue, clasping his hands together. John can see the nervousness glazing over his eyes. John feels his chest tighten. 

_”our… status?”_ John stops to think for a second then nods _”status, yes. What status? Boyfriends? Friends? Friend with benefits? Need to know before we keep doing this?”_

Alex thinks for a second, looking down to his hands, that are now pulling a random thread from the hole in the knee of his jeans.  
_” what you want?”_ Alex signs small, close to his body 

_”not what I asked alexander. Tell me what y-o-u want.”_ John signs 

Alex sighs and stands, walking so he is right in front of John, who is still sitting on the bed, looking down at him. 

_”what I want? I want you. All of you. The bad, the good, the middle-between. Want to wake up and see your face. Every day. Want to brag about my beautiful artist/interpreting boyfriend. Want to help you, heal you. Keep you happy, want to be enough for you. You make me feel… real. Never felt right as a person. Then you walk in, with your being hearing and knowing deaf culture and telling me I'm okay. Telling me I'm not broken. Help me so much, and I want that every day.”_ by the end of his signing schpiel Alex’s hands are shaking, his eyes are brimming with tears 

John is instantly standing in front of him _”you ground me. You make me focus on real thing, not anger. Not fighting. Not fists. You are night sky full of stars in my white rage. You not broken. You puzzle piece, being forced into the wrong slot. But next to me, you fit perfect. Can’t imagine going on without you”_

 

before Alex can even sign back, John’s places his hands on both sides of Alex’s face, thumbs resting right on the apples of his cheeks stopping the tears from rolling. John’s fingers are cooling against Alex’s skin that has grown warm from his tears and the exertion from his speech. 

John rests his forehead on alexanders, closing his eyes. Alex leans into John wrapping his arms around John’s waist loosely. Suddenly John smashes his lips against Alexanders, it's full of so many emotions. Love, lust, care, and any emotion in between. Alex smiles into the kiss pulling John closer, as if he wanted to morph into one person, not ‘me and him’ but ‘us’. John pulled away first, Alex groaning at the loss of contact. 

_”so… boyfriends?”_ John signs timidly 

Alexander laughs softly, a grin growing across his face, as he wipes the rest of his tears from his cheeks and just nods yes, kissing John again as they fall back onto the bed together. Boyfriends. 

And John knew everything was gonna be okay…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ocd:if you think something is wrong with the way I portray Johns OCD, let me know. I feel this is accurate? But I don’t have much experience with it. so this is from me reading every OCD forum on google i could find.


	13. thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> remember you chose this children-

Prenotes: there are a lot of timeskips in this story, and there is going to be a lot more but I like the way it moves it along. We know all of the fluff that happens ok I’m here for A N G S T

-timeskip well into the summer, let's call it the end of august-  
Alexander had the best summer of his life, that he can remember.  
It was spent in Long Island at the Washington’s Beach home, with his love, his whole heart, John.

And John had been feeling even better. When he’s with Alex, it’s like all the voices in his head quiet, and focus on just Alex. And Alex didn’t really mind his obsessive tendencies, he said he felt safe that John had to check the locks 12 times, (or 15 on Wednesday) because he knew no one would break in. or that he wanted each kiss to be perfect so he’d try exactly 3 times, the third always being his favorite. 

It was walks on the beach with John and bonfires, and star gazing and just… loving  
But Alex was sitting on a secret, a fast approaching secret that he had to tell eventually. So on august 25th, he gathered his family into the kitchen of the beach home standing at the head of the long dining room table and In his hands, he held a thick manila envelope.

George, Martha, and John sat in front of him patiently waiting as Alex bounced on his heels excitedly 

_”why so excited today?”_ Martha signs, grinning at her sons bouncy-ness. 

_”I just… look”_ Alex signs excitedly sliding the manila envelope to where George, Martha, and John sat. George eyed him curiously and picked the envelope up, opening it.

His face breaks into a huge grin as he reads aloud “ ‘Congratulations to Mr. Alexander Hamilton on his acceptance of transfer to Gallaudet University for the Fall 2017 semester!’ Alexander this is great son!” he finishes as Martha is screaming and already scooping Alex up in a tight hug tears rolling down her face. George joins into the hug also embracing both Martha and Alex laughing and smiling. 

John, on the other hand, has no idea what to say, or how to react. 

He felt his heart fucking break. Why? Why would Alex want to leave him? To a college 5 hours away? But look how happy he is. John knows how much Alex wanted this, James and Rachel would never let him go to an all deaf student college and now he had his chance. John wouldn’t let his selfishness ruin this moment. Martha snapped him out of his trance, handing him his coat “come along Johnny, we’re going out to dinner to celebrate” she says, giving him a knowing smile, but her eyes shone sadness as if she was feeling the same as him.

Dinner was delightful, a dream John just floated through almost forgetting about the Acceptance letter. Alex held his hand lazily under the table as they ate, fingers loosely entwined together talking about how they wanted to spend the last week of summer, but in the back of John’s mind, he could only think about how now in two weeks Alexander would be gone. 

Once they returned to the house John instantly was upstairs and in the room, he and Alexander have been sharing. 

Alex looked to George and Martha with a questioning look. George just shrugs and heads to the kitchen, but Martha placed a hand on Alex’s shoulder softly, signing with one hand _”go easy on him, good news for you—not same for him”_

Alex sighs, realizing he didn’t even think of John at all. 

When he enters their room the lights are off, but from the moonlight coming in from the large bay windows looking out to the ocean he can see Johns silhouette, but he knows he isn’t sleeping, he’s breathing too heavy to be asleep. Alex kneels in front of him and turns the bedside lamp on. He instantly is met with Johns' eyes, they’re wide like saucers, but his pupils are blown. Alex knows he’s angry, like really fucking angry. He rests his hand on Johns' cheek softly but John instantly pulls away sitting up

_”don’t fucking touch me”_ he signs quickly, his breathing is heavy. Alex just sits back on his heels and nods. 

_”John, please listen—“_ ”How long have you known?” 

_“a month or so…”_

_”Alexander you should’ve told me…”_

John and Alex were standing now, face to face—John was mad, Alexander could feel the anger growing in the room, John’s hands were erratic as he became angrier 

_”I tried but we’ve been having fun and—“_

_”no—“_

_”you would’ve begged me to stay home.”_

_”YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME, ”_

_”I’ve gotta do what’s best for me, you’ll be okay! I gotta go my own way!”_

_”BUT WHAT ABOUT US ALEX? WHAT ABOUT EVERYTHING WE’VE BEEN THROUGH?!”_

_”I never wanted to hurt you, john…”_

_”AND WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT YOU?!_

john is shaking with anger, it's bubbling out of him, his eyes are blown, almost no iris is visible anymore. In one quick motion, John is exploding. First, he throws the bed lamp across the room, shattering against the wall next to where alexander is standing. Next, he’s knocking dressers over. In a quick breeze, George is in the room holding John back tightly as he flairs and flails about screaming and Martha is pulling Alex out into the hallway holding him tightly against her chest.

Alexander just stood there, silent as John quieted down and ripped himself out of Georges hold, grabbed his bag and stormed straight out of the house, but not before shooting Alexander a death glare and spitting “don’t. Follow. Me” in his and Martha’s direction. 

So Alex doesn’t. 

An hour later Alex is almost done cleaning his room, he told Martha and George he was fine, and John was adult enough to take care of himself. 

In all honesty, Alex was mad. Gallaudet was important to him, he’s wanted this his whole life, and it’s finally possible. John should be open and supportive of this, and not just explode! 

He just sighs and pulls out his phone to text John 

**Alex:** John where are you?  
**My Babe <3**: going home.  
**Alex:** John please don’t be like this. Come back  
**My Babe <3**: nope.  
**Alex:** fine, you wanna be like this? This shits over. Ill fucking go to Washington alone, and fucking do this all alone, because my boyfriend was a selfish, controlling FUCK who couldn’t be supportive of his boyfriends dreams.  
**(555)-348-0099:** _Read at 10:22pm_

 

the weeks leading up to Alexander leaving for Washington DC was hell. He was alone again. John wouldn’t answer his texts, but he had Laf and Herc sending updates of how John was doing. 

Finally, the day alexander was set to leave his phone started to buzz as he closed the trunk of Georges car, pulling his bag towards the airport entrance He looked at the phone, sighing when he realized it was John finally texting back 

**(555)-348-0099:** Alex please don’t go.  
**(555)-348-0099:** I need you  
**(555)-348-0099:** I cant do this without you  
**(555)-348-0099:** Columbia isn’t bad, we can find deaf people in NYC  
**(555)-348-0099:** im so srry.  
**Alex:** its too late john. Im going to the airport now..

John sighs slamming his phone down. “I can’t believe this. I missed him, fuck I'm so stupid.”  
Eliza gets up and rests her hand on his shoulder “no John, come on don’t beat yourself up” she coos softly rubbing his back 

Angelica stands up pulling him to the door “no! come on there’s still time!” everyone looked at her like she was crazy but followed out her her car and piled in

Thirty minutes later they were parked in the airport departing gate lane of the Airport, angelica pulling John through the airport, Herc flashing his (old) TSA badge from when he worked in the airport.

Finally, they reach the huge board of departing flights looking for the flight to Washington Alex should be on. “That one! Gate E8!” Eliza shouts and once again they run through the airport. Johns' heart is hammering, hoping they didn’t miss him, but when they finally reach the gate it's deserted. One lone stewardess is standing at the desk in front of the door who John runs up to bombarding with questions “Is this where flight 349 was? Did it leave? Was a small deaf boy on the flight?!” he rushes out tapping his hands shakily on the desk. She just smiles sadly at him and points out the large wall of windows next to him, where a plane is mid-takeoff. John gasps softly and walks to the windows, pressing his hand to the glass and presses his forehead too, tears rolling down his cheeks softly “we were too late…” he whispers as Eliza rests a hand on his shoulder, and Laf engulfs him in a tight hug from behind. 

Suddenly there’s a warmer energy surrounding the friends, as George clears his throat. The group turns and George and Martha are standing there, Martha’s eyes are raw and red, rimmed with tears still, while George continues to stand tall, though his eyes are also bloodshot. “you guys just missed him, he said he’d text when he lands..” George said softly. John steps forward quietly “George… Martha… I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone and especially not Alex, but he won’t talk to me I just… I’m so sorry. I just.” He sighs shakily, but Martha just pulls him into a tight hug. 

“John… you both just need space. Give him space. Give yourself space. Learn who you are without him, and then if it’s meant to be… it’ll be…” Martha whispered into Johns' hair. He just nodded into her neck, silent tears still escaping 

45,000 feet above the ground, Alex sat in his airline seat, pressing his forehead to the window silently. Should he have stayed? John needs him. 

No- Alex needs to be selfish for once in his life and do this for him. John will be fine. But Alex has to do this for himself. Gallaudet is the Deaf- American Dream. Go to a school made just for him, be his own man. And maybe when he comes back to visit, he and John can talk, but for now, Alex knows what he needs to do. 

But he can feel the pain in his chest, the loneliness, and the heartbreak. John was nothing less than alexanders first love, maybe his only love. But—alas, here to new beginnings, am I right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a few notes-  
> John's OCD mention is quoted from a specific poem called OCD-Button poetry. look it up on youtube. very good. 
> 
> the way John reacts to the news isn't healthy relationship stuff, but John has a lot of mental issues, and the reaction is from his IED reacting, not himself. but you need to do what you need to do, college is important and much like Alexander, don't give into someone who doesn't acknowledge how important your choices are, (love you) 
> 
> THERES A LARGE CHUNK OF THIS THAT IS DIRECTLY FROM A HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL SONG 10 POINTS TO WHOEVER FINDS THEM
> 
> this isn't how college works, you usually learn you're accepted to a college at the end of your senior year, then have the summer off and move in in september. Alex only finds out he's accepted the month before move in because i am a dramatic author. 
> 
> Gallaudet is a real college for deaf students in washington DC, I've written many a papers for my ASL major classes on it ahah. its very very interesting please google it and learn about this deaf icon its really truly cool af.
> 
> as always. i love comments, let me know what you thought of this! (REMEMBER YOU READERS SUBCONSIOUSLY CHOSE THIS)


	14. chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you- chose- this- 
> 
> Washington, NY, Washington, NY 
> 
> i realized i do this back and forth thing a lot- ill call it my writing style and not that i am lazy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P L E A S E keep in mind, i write this at 2-4am, my grammar is not going to be great, and i will make mistakes. pls just NICELY tell me in the comments and ill try to fix it quickly! <3

Once Alexanders’ flight landed, and he arrived at the bus stop in front of Gallaudet’s gates he forgot everything that was bothering him. He was here, actually here. If Alexander had to make an analogy for Gallaudet, he’d say it was Hogwarts to deaf people. A place they are protected and are with other people like him. 

The campus was beautiful, too. Covered in foliage, soft pink flowers raining down from the trees, and Alexander can’t help but smile as he walks into his new dorm building, Clerc Hall, to meet his new dorm mate. 

But his mind can’t help but drift to John, a hammering in the back of his head. His first roommate, and how he missed running his fingers through John’s curls, and he missed the cuddles every night, and how they made one big bed out of their dorm-issued twin beds. 

Alexander just sighed and opened the door, his roommate was already here, which surprised Alexander. In front of him stood a tall, darker complected boy. He was looking down at something on his desk, but Alexander could already tell he was attractive. He has long thick eyelashes, his eyes were a dark whiskey brown and damn did he have full lips. Alex could feel his heart pumping harder, as he silently cursed himself. He has a boyfriend?! Doesn’t he?... actually, now that he thinks about it—no. no, he doesn’t. and he doesn’t need another relationship right now. 

Alexander waves to get the boys attention, when he looks up he smiles brightly, and Alex melts a little and starts signing 

_”hi- My name A-L-E-X-A-N-D-E-R. call me A-L-E-X”_

the boy looks confused at first, and signs _”your sign-name what? A-L-E-X a lot to fingerspell”_ he finishes laughing softly 

_”come from a hearing family, no sign name”_ Alex finishes, shrugging. 

The boy shoots him a sad look, and Alex just rolls his eyes and turns to unpack his bag. He isn’t here for pity, he loves his hearing family and how much they’ve sacrificed for him 

The boy taps his shoulder and starts signing again 

_”sorry, I know some people don’t get to have hearing parents. My name E-D-W-A-R-D M-I-N-E-R. sign name—“_ Edward continues to tap an ‘E’ on his chest. 

Alexander just smiles. 

 

-Later-

Alex and Edward- (or Eddie which is what he said to call him when he tells all his new York friends about his Washington DC friend) spent the whole night talking, Alex sitting on the foot of Eddie’s bed, as Eddie sat at the head of the bed. They talked about majors—Eddie was a Polisci major too, that made Alex happy—they talked about home, and their parents and families and finally at about 3 am asked the big question—

 _”so… you in relationship?”_

Alexander slumped a little and then sighed 

_” don’t know… complicated? Actually… no. no relationship. I accepted to Gallaudet, boyfriend EXPLODED—breaking things, angry. Then—the day before I leave he tries to make me stay. But I left. So? Single”_

Eddie smiles sadly and rests a hand on Alexanders’ knee, then signs with one hand _”don’t worry, me and my friends help you forget old boyfriend, maybe find a new one”_ when he finished Alexander could see the blush burning the tips of Eddies ears and laughed softly. 

Maybe Washington DC will be good for Alex…

 

-back in New York- 

John. Is. Miserable. 

The Schuyler’s let him stay with them in their apartment until he can find his own apartment. He isn’t staying in the dorms because he and Alexander had plans. An apartment! Just for them! But no, now John is out an apartment, a boyfriend, and a dorm. 

He’s lying face down on the guest bed of the sister’s apartment, still in his pajamas from two days ago, blinds closed, and lights off. He wouldn’t have eaten either if Peggy wasn’t constantly checking on him. And today was no different. 

Around what John thought was probably 12 pm, someone barged in, but he didn’t bother to look up. 

Instantly the covers are pulled off of him and he snaps his head up “what the fuck?!” 

Angelica was folding the blanket over the desk chair then going in his bag he packed from the dorm and pulled out a hoodie and jeans for him “get up” she said simply handing him the clothes she picked out 

“but why? There's no class, and I don’t work today” he mumbles pulling his hair into a bun, agitated.  
“because we need to talk, get changed and meet us in the living room. You have 5 minutes until I barge in and drag you out there.” She smiles brightly, closing the door behind her. 

John sighs and gets up, pulling his jeans on first and effectively falling when his foot gets stuck in the hole at the knee of his pants. Then he pulls the hoodie angelica grabbed and is instantly a little angry—then covered in unbearable sadness. It was his football hoodie, the one alexander wore every night. He must’ve grabbed it when he was shoving his clothes in his bag at the Washington’s Beach house. He just sighed and threw it back on the desk, before pulling out just a black long sleeve shirt and walking into the living room. 

Peggy and Eliza sat on the couch while Angelica stood with her arms crossed. They were bickering silently about something but once John emerged they grew silent quickly. John shrugged and sat on the love seat diagonal from both sets of the sisters. “so… what do you want to talk about?” 

Both Peggy and Eliza cross their arms across their chest and turn to Angelica, who just sighs. “okay… john, we just want to help you okay? I’ll start with that. So we want you to stay with us, BUT—there are some conditions.” John’s eyebrows shoot up at them letting him stay but then sighs at conditions. 

Before angelica can finish Peggy pipes up “John how are you feeling? You’re not gonna get angry right? Because we just want to help you… remember that, this is all for your best.” 

John just nods “'m fine…” 

“we want you to start therapy. Our dad found a great therapist right up the block for your IED and OCD tendencies—“ John cut her off quickly “I don’t have OCD.” Angelica is instantly rolling her eyes and Eliza sighs softly.

“really?—so if I do this…” Angelica says as she flicks the lights on then off twice and walks away from the switch. Instantly John is up and flicks the lights on then off twice more and sighs softly a relieved sigh. 

He looks back to angelica who still is eyeing him, with that knowing ‘angelica’ look she gives everyone and looks down embarrassed. Instantly Peggy is wrapped around him in a tight hug “listen john, don’t be embarrassed… we want to help you, we CAN help you..” she squeezes him again and he is instantly hugging her back tightly, then Eliza and Angelica are hugging him and John thinks maybe everything would be okay. 

 

-BACK IN DC, fast forward to next fall, middle of the semester (right before Christmas break) (so this is like a whole year and four months later-ish? because we started at the end of august, you’re all very smart you’ll catch on)-

 

towards the end of Fall, Alexander and Eddie became a couple, and they just passed their one year anniversary. Eddie was in no way John, and Alex was in no way in love with Eddie, he liked Eddie and he liked the attention Eddie gave him. If you asked, he wouldn’t say that Eddie was just a rebound, to refill the hole John left in his heart. But it was true, and it kept Alex up at night.

As Eddie slept soundly next to Alex, (they both finished their classes for the day and were back at their dorm napping—except Alex wasn’t) his arms wrapped around Alex tightly, while Alex thought of John, and what John was doing. Maybe he made a mistake coming here, wait no he hasn’t. his grades have never been better, he’s happy; He is and Eddie is enough. His phone buzzes softly on his stomach, making him excited maybe it’s John maybe it’s one of his friends from New York! 

No—its only Laurent, causing Alex to sigh deeply. Laurent was Eddie’s best friend, and technically one of Alex’s friends too, he guesses. Laurent is a French deaf student here in the business program, he was okay; He is in no way a Laf replacement wtf. Okay, maybe Alex was trying to replicate his old friend group with new similar friends whatever shoot him okay. He was lonely and doesn’t like change. 

**Laurent:** wake Eddie up and meet us for lunch at the quad dude, his mid-afternoon nap can wait. 

Alex just sighs and shakes Eddie softly, who snuggles closer into Alex’s side making him smile softly. Alex pulls away shaking him again, and when Eddie finally looks up tiredly Alex signs to him _”come on, get up. We meet Laurent, Linda and Marlee for lunch”_

_”but it’s cold out and we need to pack babygirl”_ Eddie signed back lazily, then rubbing his eyes. 

_”don’t call me that._ Alexander snaps, his signing fast and short. 

_”why you like this?! Why you just try and stop this relationship! Always snap at me—all I do is care!”_ Eddie snaps back. 

_”sorry—just… Ex called me that, don’t like”_

_”forget him! Have me now! Want me, need me. I am here for you. Not him. He bad, he hearing, I am good, I am deaf. We fit like puzzle”_

_” why matter he was hearing?! You deaf elitist now?!”_

_”alexander you know that’s not what I meant. We understand each other more than he could ever understand you.”_

Alexander just sighs and sits up, putting things into the suitcase 

_”I’ll tell Laurent we can’t meet up, have early flight… maybe they’ll come here say goodbye for winter break?” _Eddie signed softly, apologetic energy filling the room__

__Alexander just shrugged. He was nervous to come back to New York after a whole year and a half, he knew Martha and George missed him, and Laf and Herc missed him, but he hasn’t really had time to talk to the Schuyler’s at all, and he and john just don’t talk anymore… and Eddie is from a deaf neighborhood, a deaf family, deaf schools his whole life, and isn’t the biggest hearing person fan_ _

__Eddie got up and started packing for alexander, who was now just staring into space, holding things up for Alexander to decide if he should bring them to New York, after about ten minutes Laurent, Linda and Marlee burst in, Laurent has a case of beer, while Linda and Marlee both have bags of snack foods and DVDs._ _

__Alex gets up and hugs them laughing softly looking through the bags Marlee had, Marlee was always his favorite. She was quiet and reserved, her family being hearing too they both followed hearing social rolls, while Laurent, Eddie, and Linda followed more deaf culture rolls and did as they pleased._ _

___”we brought Disney movies and snacks for the night, will miss you during Christmas”_ Marlee signs softly pulling a few movies out _ _

__Alex chuckles softly and signs back _”doesn’t matter. Be back in February, can’t miss me too much—maybe you come visit New York. My friends would love you”_ he smiles handing her the movie ‘UP’ _ _

__They all settle into the couches and begin watching the movie in silence, Eddie leaning into Alex’s side cuddling him softly, and Alex just ignores the feeling of ‘wrong’ bubbling in his chest._ _

__-back in new York-_ _

__John’s therapy went H E A V E N L Y. Some days are harder than others, but he always takes his medication and he always makes it to his Thursday appointments. He continues to go to school, living with the Schuyler’s and won’t let himself remember Alexander. He’s gone on a few dates but decided dating isn’t really for him right now._ _

__He still goes to class but also works as an interpreter at the hospital in the city. He has specific days he is on call, where the hospital will beep him if they need him to come interpret, those days he had to stay around the hospital, his favorite places were the café right outside the hospital or the park across the street from the hospital. They made him wear scrubs too, to keep the whole hospital uniform. He didn’t mind, he loved the job—getting to do what he always wanted well before he graduated, and making great friends in the hospital, along with having time to hang with the friends he’s always had. It was like John’s life was really looking up from the pit he was in a year ago, he almost never had outbursts of anger anymore, and his OCD was still lingering, but he well and good knew it was good practice to check the locks 4 times at night, just in case._ _

__That was until a certain deaf boy popped into his ER and turned John’s world upside down._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> closing notes- 
> 
> 1\. Eddie- Edward Miner Gallaudet, the founder of Gallaudet, (i imagine him in this fic as Jharrel Jerome. google him. (Or if you have seen the movie Moonlight, he plays teen Kevin))
> 
> Laurent- Laurent Clerc, french FSL teacher who came to America with Thomas Hopkins Gallaudet (father to Edward) to start the first ASL school in america. 
> 
> Linda- Linda Bove! the first deaf woman on sesame street xD
> 
> Marlee- Marlee Matlin, probably the most famous deaf woman ever? google her. 
> 
> i thought it was important to feature some famous deaf/deaf assisting people in this fic because i want you all to have endless, useless ASL knowledge like i do!
> 
> 2\. how is John an interpreter but not done with school? 
> 
> Easy my children! interpreters are in such high demand, you can do your ASL 1-4 classes, take a test called a NICRID and become a certified interpreter if you pass! (in florida you can atleast ok i don't know about the rest of america) but i know this! because i live this! but you finish going to college for interpreting, its a higher pay grade. and I'm not saying you can be NICRID certified and just enter a hospital like 'hey hire me lol' but this is my fic and I'm allowed to stretch the truth. 
> 
> 3\. uh why the fuck was Eddie being a dick about John being hearing?  
> there are deaf people like this! they think hearing people should date hearing people, and deaf should date deaf. i think its trash, and love is love, but it was an important thing to shadow in this fic ok. 
> 
> also- i am the queen of timeskips? idk why but i like them. and i like looking at a large span of time in quick glances. 
> 
>  
> 
> AS AALLLLWAYS- I LIVE FOR YOUR COMMENTS, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DROP THOSE BELOW 
> 
> follow my instagram:@hamilton_trashdump


	15. chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bitch i cuss a lot and i wrote this at 5 am and IT IS PROBABLY SO SO SO SO BAD IM SO SORRY
> 
> but this is the longest chapter I've ever written? we sit right above 3100 words here folks

-a little insight into the workings of Eddie.

Eddie has never been to New York City, but watching Alexander lead him through parks and into little shops, giving glances into Alex’s childhood—it made Eddie’s heart swell. They were on the way to lunch with one of his hearing friends, some girls? Eliza and Maria. Eddie was never fond of hearing people. He was deaf, his parents were deaf, and his siblings were all deaf. All his life all he seen was hearing people take advantage of his parents, so he didn’t blame himself for not liking hearing people. But, these people were very important to Alex, and Alex was important to Eddie, so he’d make an exception. 

So here he is—sitting in a small café, his fingers lazily entwined with his boyfriends’, who he loved, honestly truly. They haven’t said it yet, but Eddie can feel it whenever he’s awake before alexander and he gets those few blissful moments of watching Alex sleep, his face so relaxed, radiating heat. He loves Alexander. 

Suddenly Alexander stands as two girls rush and embrace him, from the other people in the café, he could tell they were screaming. One of the girls was in a pair of tight jeans and a blue winter coat when she stripped the coat and rested it on the back of her chair, she had on a white fluffy sweater. Her long black hair was braided down her shoulder. The other girl was in leggings and a sweater dress, it was a warm red tone and a black scarf. They were both beautiful in every way possible—but the most beautiful thing was the way Alexander smiled as they hugged him. It wasn’t a smile Eddie has ever seen on Alexander. It was a face-splitting grin, his eyes were bright and crinkled in the corners and he was oozing pure joy. Eddie can’t ever remember seeing Alex smile like that. Suddenly they all turn to Eddie smiling as Alexander signs 

_”this my boyfriend—E-D-D-I-E, this”_ Alexander signs pointing to the girl in the red sweater dress, _”M-A-R-I-A”_ he then points to the lighter girl in the white sweater _”E-L-I-Z-A, both my best friends”_

Eddie smiles and shakes their hands softly before signing _”nice to meet you, heard a lot about both of you._

Eliza and Maria eye Alexander before Maria responds _”funny because we both heard nothing about you—Alex you keep secrets why?_

Eddie throws a questioning glance to Alexander who just laughs it off waving his hand _” pah- we all busy adults, why didn’t you tell me about this?_ alexander signed then waved between the two of the girls who just blushed. 

_”anyway—how is everyone? Herc? Laf? The other sisters?”_ Alex signs again moving on, Eddie didn’t know any of the people, but just seeing his Love happy made him okay to sit by and watch him excitedly talk about whatever his friends were talking about. 

So the girls told him how everyone was doing, Herc was working in the garment district, Eddie doesn’t know what that was, but whatever. Laf worked as a French tutor in the university, and all these cute things—Eddie hopes he can meet these people because of how happy they made Alex. 

_”so… you’re not going to ask how he is?”_ Maria asked, her expression suddenly hard, her signing a little rigid. Alex’s hand tenses up in Eddies. 

_”Maria, no—not now”_ Eliza signs, then puts her hand on Maria’s knee softly 

_”no- I need to know. Alex—you not going to ask how John is? Really?_ Maria signs again then waits for a response from Alex. Alex just sighs and looks down before answering, Eddie has anger bubbling in his stomach 

_”why should I? he ignores me, he started this. Let it go Maria- it’s been one year five months. Be adult.”_ Alex signs back angrily 

Maria slams her hands on the table then signs _”no- I am being adult. I know when you love someone you don’t stop caring. And I know that John is something important to you—remember two years ago? The GWB?”_ Eddie has no idea what she’s talking about anymore. Why is she attacking Alex though? 

_”Maria please stop! I just want a nice lunch!”_ Eliza signs as Herc walks in Maria backs off. Eddie can see Alex physically relax as the bigger dark skinned boy pulls Alex into a tight hug. Instantly he’s talking and Eliza is interpreting for him, this just pisses Eddie off, why does Alexander have such shitty friends? None of his friends are Deaf, what a sad life? Eddie can’t help but think he saved him. 

The rest of the lunch went fine, Hercules was actually pretty cool for a hearing dude and gave Eddie a shirt he sewed himself, it was maroon with yellow daisies and went really well with Eddie’s skin tone. But the whole lunch he could feel Maria’s eyes burning into his skin. 

 

\-----like a day later, Tuesday afternoon in the Diner next to the hospital, Johns pov—

John was on call today, so he couldn’t venture too far off from the hospital today, so here he sat, in Gandolfo’s Diner waiting for Eliza to meet up for lunch, playing with the hem of his scrubs, the pants are a dark orange, and the top is a lion-king scrub top. He was working in the children’s ward today, Timmy Caughman was coming in for Dialysis, and John was his favorite interpreter. 

He hears the bells chime from the door and looks up to meet the gaze of Eliza as she unwraps her scarf smiling, then slides in the booth with John 

“well well well, if it isn’t the ever ethereal Eliza Schuyler, how is the palest of the sisters today?” john asks as he sips his coffee, the comment making Eliza burst into a soft giggle, like bells chiming in the distance. 

“I’m fine, john. A little off today—but let’s not talk about that. How is my curly headed nurse today?” 

he smiles at the comment “I’m no nurse, but I’m good—just waiting for Timmy to get to his dialysis today- but that doesn’t matter, what’s wrong E? talk to me…” he says, concern dusting his face, and Eliza just sighs.

“come on Jay, let’s just have a good lunch—how’s class going?” Eliza mumbles through her coffee cup, trying to avoid the subject 

they carry on this mindless chatter until John’s beeper starts going off, he checks it—code 41, there’s a deaf person in the ER. 

He sighs and lays down 20$ “duty calls, yenno?” he adds, laughing softly. Eliza hugs him tightly and kisses his cheek. “call me when your off, we’re having movie night at the apartment today so swing by” 

5 minutes later John is at the nurse’s station of the ER- 

“hey, john! Some guy fell on an open sewer grate and broke his foot, he and his partner are deaf, room 204” Elliot cheerily greeted him, the girl was a ray of sunshine on bad days John just nodded and walked back to 204 with Elliot, feeling kind of embarrassed about his Lion King scrubs, but who cares. Lion king is the best Disney movie and there’s no arguing that. 

Walking into 204, John had a cheery disposition about the day—Elliot was as happy as ever, he had a great lunch with Eliza, he didn’t fail his Biology midterm, today was gonna be great. 

No—no it fucking wasn’t because great guess who the fuck just moseyed into John’s ER. 

Alexander. Fucking. Hamilton. 

No—don’t get mad John. You’re better than that. 

Alex lays in the small gurney in the hospital bed—his foot purple and swollen, definitely broken. He was arguing with an older man in sign language, Elliot said partner. Partner. Fuck. Just breathe. 

Then—Alex looked up and his eyes went wide. Fuck—FUCK—those whiskey brown eyes. He looks good, lean and matured. He’s working on some peach fuzz, but he could never really grow it—just a cute goatee. John can feel his heart swell, fuck john stop it’s been a year and a half nothing is the same. 

_”I want a new interpreter”_ was the first thing Alex signed to John. And it hurt? It hurt a lot. 

John just grinned, plastering the fake, trained almost ‘customer-service’-Esque smile he uses for all the difficult interpretations and turned to Elliot “he uh…says he wants a new interpreter” 

Elliot just rolls her eyes and puts her hand on her hip, the other holding her clipboard “well… tell him that you’re the only one we have on call tonight and he has to deal.” 

John interprets to Alex, who just rolls his eyes and turns to Eddie chatting as Elliot inspects his foot, she tells John to say that he has two major broken bones in his foot, which he does, while Alex and subsequently his ‘partner’ shoot daggers into John. 

Elliot Pulls Eddie out of the room to come sign some discharge papers while John awkwardly stands in the room playing with his hands, he can still feel Alex burning a sharp gaze into him, so he snaps his head up and signs _”WHAT”_

Alex just shrugs _”just waiting for you to throw a fucking lamp at my head again”_

_”I’m not like that anymore.”_ John signs sadly 

_”people never change, especially abusive assholes”_ Alex had a bitter look on his face, and god- FUCKING CHRIST IT PISSED JOHN OFF FUCK. 

_”Is that what your new Boyfriend spoon fed you? That I abused you? That my mental health somehow put you in a negative position? That I meant in any way to hurt you? Fuck you”_

_” fuck me? No—fuck you. John, you did nothing but use me to calm you down. I was nothing to you and you made that very clear when you threw a fucking lamp at me. Eddie is 20x the man you ever were.”_ Alexander snapped back, 

and with that- John stormed out. 

He told Elliot he couldn’t stay, and to take him off call

And he stopped at the bodega on 5th ave for cigarettes and wouldn’t let himself cry.

And he got on the subway, pulling his hoodie around himself tighter. And wouldn’t let himself cry. 

And rode all the way to his stop, and wouldn’t let himself cry. 

Walking up to his apartment what he shared with the sisters, he wouldn’t let himself cry.

But finally, when he fucking got in the apartment and seen all of his friends sitting on the couches ready for movie night, he couldn’t let them see him cry. 

He didn’t want to let them see him cry. 

But that didn’t matter- because fuck the tears were pouring out of his eyes like a faucet, hot thick tears down his cheeks. He rubs his nose with his jacket sleeve and instantly Peggy and Herc are pulling him onto the couch in between them, Eliza kneeling in front of him, waiting for him to be ready to speak up. 

“so… Alex is back… a-and he broke his foot today” John almost whispers, adding a bitter laugh at the end of the statement. The group of friends all expectantly look at each other and then John realizes “and you all knew he was here. Got it.” John mumbles, wiping his face again and nodding his head like this was the most obvious answer 

“John, we didn’t want to say anything because you’ve been just so happy! And—fuck if he didn’t break his foot we would’ve been Scott free… fucking asshole” Peggy cursed clenching her fists. 

Suddenly—someones phone is ringing, a text tone. Eliza picks her phone up and gasps softly “I--. Alex wants to come over? Didn’t he just break his foot what the—what do I say?!” 

Everyone expectantly turns to John, waiting for a reply. To which he just shrugs “I’ll be on the fire escape” pulling out a pack of Camels from his hoodie pocket, causing all of his friends to groan, as Peggy dramatically throws herself on the couch 

“John we thought you quit, this isn’t like you” maria chides softly, which John just shrugs off and climbs out the window onto the fire escape. 

-30 minutes later- 

 

Alex knocks on the door of The Schuyler’s apartment, alone. Going to the hospital and wandering through the city really killed Eddie—even though he is not the one with a broken foot and a big black boot on his foot but whatever— so he is back at The Washington’s sleeping. But Alex just really missed his friends and needed to see them. But when Eliza opened the door he was instantly hit with casting glances and in general a cold feeling in the room. 

_”what’s wrong? why everyone seem mad?”_

everyone looks around at each other and sighs, or huffs. But its maria who is the first to speak up. 

_”you know we all still talk to John, right? You know John lives here right? You fucking know that John has been going to therapy for almost 2 years now? And hasn’t had an IED attack in a year? No- you didn’t know. You just came back to New York, Waltzed in, made him feel like less like all his progress was nothing”_

Eliza just nodded along, then Laf spoke up, Eliza signing for him 

“you up and left all of us, it tore John apart like this all was his fault. And you ignored him and he got better for you—then you come home, don’t tell him, tell us not to tell him, and make him feel like shit like he never meant anything to you. Not cool dude.”

_”okay but John being a psycho is fine? Do you realize how unhealthy our relationship was?_

“DO YOU REALIZE YOU'RE BEING AN ASSHOLE NOW THAT THIS NEW EDDIE HAS COME AROUND? THE OLD ALEXANDER WOULD NEVER D R E A M OF HURTING JOHN LIKE YOU DID TODAY. IS THIS WHAT EDDIE HAS TAUGHT YOU? BECAUSE JOHN HAS PROBLEMS AND IS HEARING HE ISNT DESERVING OF BEING RESPECTED ANYMORE.” 

Everyone instantly turns to Eliza, who just exploded, her face red, and her little fists clenched tightly in balls. Alexander’s face finally breaks, and he sits on the couch his head in his hands 

Did alexander still love John? Yeah. Did Eddie make him think all these terrible things? Does Alex even LOVE Eddie? No. Alex just didn’t want to be alone. 

_”i… I just drag Eddie along. Don’t love him. Don’t know if I even LIKE him—fuck… just FUCK. Where is he?”_

Eliza just points to the fire escape, anger still pouring out of her small frame. 

Alex climbs out the window quietly, trying to not tossle his foot too much, god damned boot. There John sat, one leg dangling off the edge of the fire escape, the other pulled closely to his chest, resting his head on his knee. His arms are crossed covering his head, the end of a cigarette dangling between his nimble fingers, still lit. Alexander wobbled over and sat down next to him quietly, swinging his legs over the edge, you probably shouldn’t do that with a boot but whatever. John looked up softly, and Alex’s heart broke. John’s cheeks were tear tracked, his eyes bright red, tears still rimming his eyes, the setting sun casting a burnt orange tone across his skin, he saw John let out a bitter laugh before flicking the cigarette off the fire escape, then wiping his face with the sleeve of his jacket. 

_”what do you need? Tell me off again? Didn’t get it all out the first time?”_ john signed slowly before wiping his face again 

_”John, never meant to hurt you—“_ this made John scoff and roll his eyes before Alex continued _”Eddie doesn’t like hearing people… must’ve rubbed off on me”_

_”really, Alexander? That your excuse? Eddie? Alexander, you’re as close to hearing as any other hearing person. Your parents? Your friends? Did you snap at Martha? Or George? No… just me. You don’t even know me anymore. I am 100% different person from two years ago. You don’t even give me chance, you hide from me, you come into MY hospital, say you want a new interpreter because it was me. Not because I hear because it was me. And Eddie doesn’t like me.”_

_”not true—eddie doesn’t know you._

_’from what I hear Eddie knows nothing of your old life here. Why lie?’_

_”easier to start over…_

John just sighs, then shakes his head, letting out a shaky, breathy laugh before he stands up, alexander following slowly. 

_”just—go back to Washington, go with Eddie, and go fuck yourself._ john signs, exasperated. 

_”why fuck me? Because I'm happy? Unlike you? So miserable, poor me, poor john, pity, pity, pity”_ Alex signs back, becoming agitated, 

_”you’re not fucking happy—you just pull Eddie along, like a puppy, have you said you loved him? Or can you not even fucking do that? Because we both know you don’t._ John steps closer to alexander. 

_”because maybe I don’t fucking love him—you don’t get to decide that”_

_”maybe you love someo—“_ before John can even finish Alexander smashes his lips to Johns, hundreds of electric currents ripping between both of them, fuck Alex missed this—so much, Johns hands pressing into his back, the kiss deepening, John instantly scoops Alex up, hooking his legs around Johns' waist as they climb through the fire escape window, never breaking the kiss, and up the stairs to Johns room, past all their friends on the couch, Slamming Johns door shut and locking it 

Everyone's jaw drops, Except Hercules, who hasn’t looked up from his newspaper, but still chimes in with “all of you fucks owe me 30$, I told you they’d hook up before Wednesday.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my only chapter note is i love you, sorry for this chapter being the biggest load of crap and thank you for reading <3 
> 
> comments very much appricated!!<3


	16. Chapter 16- Updated.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OKAY BITCHES THIS IS IT-- THE END.

John was the first to wake up after their wild night, warm new-day sunlight flooding in from his small window, through the blinds which were open slightly. He turned over to look at alexander who is laying on his stomach, his hair splayed in every direction. His face was relaxed, soft snores escaping his lips, he looked so beautiful like this and John could feel his heart expanding from the small shriveled form it’s been in for the last almost two years. 

He ran his hand through Alex’s hair softly and smiled when Alex leaned into his touch. 

John got up, pulling his boxers, then a pair of clean sweatpants on. He opened the window to his room quietly, situating himself on the window sill, one foot dangling out as he pulled the other close to his chest and lit a cigarette, watching the sun rise quietly. As it sat there, watching his cigarette burn amber in the early sunshine, he ran through the events of last night. What was this? All of this? Is Alex staying? He was probably just doped up on pain meds because of his foot. Is he gonna wake up and decide to stay with John? Or just fucking jet back off to Washington DC like nothing? John just sighed and ran his hands through his wild mess of curls that he really should’ve fucking put up or brushed out or not just fucked his hair up. He takes a long drag of his cigarette muttering “’stupid… stupid… stupid” over and over again to himself. 

-Alex- 

Alex stretched softly, running his hands through his hair to push it out of his face, softly pushing himself up onto his elbows, looking around confusedly, this isn’t his room at the Washington’s?... 

suddenly he sees John sitting on the window sill and it dons on him where he is. Instantly he is freaking the fuck out, oh god. Oh god. He jumps out of the bed pulling his boxers on then snatching his jeans up digging through his pockets for his phone, it has 6% left, and at least 20 texts and 5 missed facetime calls from Eddie. Oh, fuck oh fuck. 

**Eddie Baby <3**: alex baby its late when are you coming home?  
**Eddie Baby <3**: hello?  
**Eddie Baby <3**: Alex you’re freaking me out…  
**Eddie Baby <3: _Missed facetime (5)_**  
**Eddie Baby <3**: Eliza said you just fell asleep without plugging your phone in, call me in the morning baby, love you <3 

Alex instantly sits against the footboard of the bed, his breathing is getting harder and harder to manage, suddenly John appears next to him resting a hand on his shoulder 

_”hey… hey breathe with me Alex”_  
John takes Alexanders hand and places it on his chest, breathing in and out steady, locking eyes with Alexander and making sure he calms down. 

As soon as he is calmer, he snatches his hand away from John’s chest and scoots away from him, making sure to not hurt his foot in the process. 

_”I can’t believe you made me cheat on my boyfriend._

Johns head instantly snaps up, he looks hurt, like he just was slapped across the face. 

_”Alex!! You mean what?! I didn’t make you cheat. You cheated on your own!_ John scoffs, throwing his head back in exasperation before signing again 

_”should have known that this didn’t mean anything to you, FUCK Alex god damn it. I though. I thought maybe this was something. No—clearly it was some kind of fucked up booty call! Do I matter to you? At all? Or was I just stupid for thinking this meant something?”_

Alex just stood up abruptly pulling his jeans back on, struggling over his boot. Once he buckles his pants he starts signing again 

_”John it isn’t fair of you to ask me that. You know you matter to me. But you knew I had a boyfriend. You should’ve stopped, told me to fuck off or go home. You did this._ as he finishes he storms out, bounding down the stairs.

John follows closely behind and stops him in the foyer of the house, clearly visible from the kitchen. Eliza, Peggy, Angelica, Herc, and Laf are sitting at the breakfast nook in the kitchen watching intently. 

_”I didn’t do anything here Alex! I love you, pick me, Choose me, love me back. You came back for a reason, you came on the fire escape for a reason, I know you feel the same.”_

Alex looks at him dead in the eyes, and signs _”I gotta go pack, goodbye John.”_ then walked right out the front door, closing it tightly. 

Before John can even acknowledge what’s happening he’s having an IED attack. All he sees is pitch white, burning bright like looking directly into the sun. 

He punched the door, putting a beautiful fist-sized hole right below the peephole. Then he was just screaming and thrashing, Herc and Laf quickly jumped up, Herc closing him into a tight bear hug to stop the thrashing. After about 3 minutes, John calms down. 

Herc lays him on the couch softly, Eliza sitting next to him, pulling his hair up into a loose messy bun, and wrapping his knuckles in Gauze from the First Aid kit Peggy pulled from the restroom. 

After a few minutes, John groans pressing his palms into his eye sockets “god damn it. Fucking a full year without an attack and one night with that asshole again and here I am. Fucking square one. Fuck me” 

Eliza smiles softly and presses a cool rag to his forehead “hey, hey it’s okay John. You were so good, you didn’t hurt anybody. And you didn’t cause any major damage.” 

“yeah the super said our new front door would be here tomorrow” Peggy added cheerfully to which John just groaned again, causing Angelica to elbow Peggy in the ribs. 

“I’m so sorry. Fuck. I was just? I was so mad. How could he do that? Make me think that this was something again.” John sighed rubbing his eyes again. 

“John… he cares, he really does. And he just doesn’t know what to do anymore. Maybe if you try to talk to him again? Let him know how you feel.”

“I tried. This morning, I told him I loved him and nothing. He said ‘ive gotta go pack’. I just want him to be happy and if that is me staying away—fine.”

“but what about your happiness John?”

“doesn’t matter…” 

 

-a few hours later- 

John was back out on the fire escape, with his pack of cigarettes, collecting his thoughts. Or trying to, but the only thing that was solid through the haze of his thoughts was how precious Alex looked this morning, so calm, so beautiful. 

Fuck.

How many times does John have to be hurt by Alex before he learns that this isn’t fair and that people who love you don’t use you, then toss you aside? 

Eliza knocks on the window softly and steps out onto the fire escape, and sits next to him, grimacing at the smoke scent that stuck to Johns clothes like the tar stuck to the walls of his lungs, probably. 

“hey… so—Alexander is gonna swing by to say goodbye before his flight, he should be here in 10?” Eliza says softly resting a hand on his knee. “you gonna be okay?” 

John just nods softly, taking a long drag of his cigarette “I’ll be fine, refilled my prescription for my IED medication, I’m pretty mellow” Eliza just nods and hugs him tightly before climbing back through the window

About 20 minutes later John hears the door bell and some soft chatting. 

He doesn’t budge. 

And about ten minutes later he hears the front door open and close again, then Peggy calls from the window 

“they’re gone, Johnny.” 

John gets up, snubbing out the last of his cigarette and climbing back through the window. Laf and Herc were the only two sitting on the couch now, and John plopped down next to them. Laf was the first to speak up

“so that’s it? You’re really letting him go?” 

“yep… maybe it's for the best” John adds quietly 

“yeah, just… like about last night the way he does? Yenno, maybe sleeping together was the perfect way to say goodbye.” Herc says not taking his eyes off the Friends rerun on the TV 

“but now he’ll never know how he feels about him!” laf adds angrily 

“well maybe that’s okay! Maybe it's better this way I mean now, you can move on! You’ve been trying to for so long…” Herc argues turning back to john

John raises his eyebrows, considering the information Herc has just provided. 

“yeah. that’s true, except… I don’t want to get over him. I don’t. I want to be with him”

Laf’s grin spreads across his face “really?” he responds excitedly 

“yeah… yeah, I do! I'm gonna go after him—“ John says springing up from the couch pulling his Jacket on and shoes next 

laf pops up next following John closely “I'll drive you—LET'S GO Let's GO Let's GO” he says as he runs out of the apartment, John following closely behind 

-at the airport-

John feels a familiarity of this scene, him racing to see Alex before he is gone, why does it always end like this? 

John runs through the Ticket counters to see Alex and Eddie about to enter the security area and starts running full speed towards them. Just as they’re about to go through security John grabs Alex’s wrist and turns him around softly 

_”John? What are you doing here?”_ Alex signs softly, pulling his shoes off 

_”Alexander. I love you. I'm saying this because it’s true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with me. You’re part of my work, the thing that keeps me going. If that plane leaves the ground and you leave manhattan, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. Please, Alexander… please. Choose me.”_

Alexander looks from Eddie to John, tears welling in his eyes.

_”John… I’m with Eddie now… we’re happy, we have a life in DC. I can’t just leave him and be with you now… I’m sorry.”_

with that, Alex turned and walked to the gate where his plane awaited, Eddie wrapping his arm around Alex, leaving John standing there- stunned. 

He was so stupid. So stupid in love—with someone who honestly did not love him back anymore. And he just let himself be hurt constantly over and over again, well now—heres to new beginnings. 

And with that, John walked out of the airport, into the cold manhattan air, and back into his best friends’ car, to go home into the arms of a man that he loves, the only love he hasn’t screwed up. He’s so hard to please, But he's a forest fire.  
He does his best to meet his demands, Play at romance, they slow dance In the living room, but all that a stranger would see is one boy swaying alone, stroking his cheek. 

Because all he is is a liability to others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the last lines are from the song 'Liability' by Lorde, its so so so so good? and if you look up the lyrics its really relatable to lil poor ole johnny here. 
> 
> i don't know why i ended up making alex such a dick? lets be honest alexander hamilton is a dick, but whatever. i already have the bare bones for the sequel to this fleshed out-- it'll be 10~20 years in the future, Alex will not be a dick, and i will be trying to touch on some other subjects? chronic sickness, trans characters, divorce among other topics. it'll be good i think. 
> 
> im not sure ill finish 'love is not a victory march' before i do the sequel because i really like the way my sequel story arch is going. but seriously thank you guys for all your great comments and how much lovely feedback i got on this story, i love you all sm <3 <3 <3 <3 
> 
> Please leave a comment! Let me know what you want to see in the sequel!


	17. BITCH

the first chapter of the sequel is up because i am impatient and non stop and was feeling really inspired today pls check it out? drop a nice comment <3 they should be connected idk 

its called 'i can hear you' because i couldn't think of a better title.


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